How do you deal with constant need to "ration" your energy and motivation and the extensive mental calculus that comes with it?
Dealing with multiple tasks feels like playing a precarious game of tetris. I'm constantly strategizing and doing the mental calculus to ration my time and energy. It's always a non-negotiable trade off: today, do I want to shower or clean my room or write an essay for classwork? I have to pick one. And so on.
Showers are especially exhausting to plan, because I know I won't have the bandwidth to shower daily, and I can't deal with greasy hair in class. So if it's, say, a Saturday, and I feel disgusting, I can't shower because I won't be able to shower again on Sunday. And then I'll be greasy on Monday. So I sit and feel disgusting until Sunday night. The overplanning makes me feel insane, especially in the intermediate period between when I first plan to do something in advance and when I do it. It's also impossible to explain to others.
Added is the shame of feeling unproductive if I don't reach some arbitrary definition of daily achievements. This "achievement" can only be met if I actually complete something (a homework assignment (just doing a reading doesn't count), a hygiene activity, or an act of service for someone else) so for most weekends when I'm in the middle of a project or process, I feel like a failure. I could spend all day cleaning half my room and I'd feel like a useless POS because I didn't "actually do" anything.
All this to say, ADHD makes me miserable. How does anyone deal with this? Or with the shame? That's not a rhetorical question. Someone please advise.