Sold the SAHM life, don’t think I’ll have more than 1. Future feels uncertain.
I have a very specific degree for what once was a well paying job. I did not love my job and was always aching for something different but my degree kept my options limited.
I met my husband, who is able to comfortably provide for us without my income. I wanted to have a few kids 3/4 and we decided I could stay home with them. I loved the idea - I love being home and homemaking. I had my son almost a year ago and he’s the light of my life. It is my biggest joy being with him everyday.
I had an easy delivery but I had severe postpartum preeclampsia. There carries a lot of risks if I were to have more children. I’m not sure if I want to take that risk nor do I want to physically go through that again.
I’ll still be in my early 30s when he’s ready for preschool. I thought I had the next 15 years of my life planned out raising my children. Now I don’t know what the future holds and it terrifies me. I try to stay present. But I know what’s waiting for me in 2-3 years. I can probably go back to the industry I was in, likely at a lower pay grade, but I’m sure I will still be unhappy. It feels like I should simultaneously be working on myself as well as taking care of my baby/toddler so that when the day comes where he goes to school I don’t feel so empty.
I’m also scared my marriage won’t survive not having more children. We shared this same vision for our life and now things are different. And that’s no fault to him, I don’t say that because I think he will leave me for not wanting/being able to have more children. But I feel like a fundamentally different person now and I’m not sure our two halves will meet in the middle again.
Hot dogs for dinner.