u/maxwcounselling

Real confidence for men: when the usual advice falls short

A lot of advice aimed at young men basically says the same thing: go to the gym, dress better, improve your skin, become more social, build discipline.

To be clear, I do not think this advice is useless. For many men, practical changes like exercise, better sleep, structure, socialising and taking care of appearance can genuinely help. They can build momentum and help someone feel more capable.
But I think there is a problem when this becomes the whole answer.

A lot of self-improvement advice carries an implied message: once you become disciplined enough, attractive enough, socially confident enough or successful enough, you will no longer have to feel anxious, ashamed, lonely, uncertain or worn down.
I do not think this is how difficult feelings work.
There are a few ways this can go wrong.

Sometimes the self-improvement works, and you do feel better, but your sense of being okay becomes dependent on maintaining the result. The moment progress stalls, comparison shifts, or life gets in the way, the floor drops out.

Sometimes the self-improvement works externally, but does not produce the internal change you hoped for. You go to the gym, improve your social skills, dress better, and still feel fundamentally not good enough. Then the conclusion can become, “I did everything right and I still feel this way, so maybe the problem is just me.”

Sometimes the self-improvement does not get off the ground at all. Low mood, anxiety, shame, ADHD, financial stress, isolation or low self-esteem can make the advice hard to engage with. When the advice is presented as simple, like “just go to the gym” or “just talk to more people”, struggling to do it can start to feel like a character flaw.

So the issue is not the desire to improve. The issue is when feeling okay becomes dependent on improvement working, being maintained, or producing the promised result.

I think there are probably two parts to a healthier relationship with self-worth. One part is practical: look after your body, build structure, develop skills, seek connection, and create a life that feels more liveable. The other part is internal: learning how to relate differently to the parts of yourself that feel anxious, ashamed, lonely, doubtful or worn down.
That second part matters because those feelings cannot simply be outperformed. You can become fitter, better dressed, more socially active and more disciplined, and still carry a harsh relationship with yourself.

This is where therapy can be helpful, though it is not the only route. Therapy can help someone notice what they make struggle mean. Do I attack myself when I fall short? Do I assume rejection proves something about me? Do I withdraw when I feel ashamed? Do I try to become impressive because I feel unacceptable underneath?

For some young men, practical changes may be sufficient. For others, there is a more difficult but worthwhile task: namely, coming to terms with an inner world that cannot simply be outperformed, disciplined away, or made irrelevant through success. This does not mean giving up on improvement. It means developing a relationship with yourself that can hold doubt, shame, anxiety or loneliness without treating those feelings as evidence that you have failed.

I’m a trainee counselling psychologist/therapist and wrote a fuller version of this for my Counselling Directory profile. I’m sharing the main idea here because I think this is something a lot of men run into when self-improvement advice starts to become more punishing than helpful.

Would be interested to hear people’s thoughts. Does this distinction between practical self-improvement and your relationship with yourself feel accurate?