u/mclollolwub

This is a very long post.

I've been dating this girl (A) for about 3 months, we made things official quite quickly after an eventful beginning of our relationship. At the time that I went on our first date, I had been seeing someone else (B) casually as well. No exclusivity whatsoever. During the time frame of my first 2 encounters with A both of which led to sex (about 1 week), B was out of the country and we had absolutely zero contact during that time. Until B came back into the country and called me randomly one night and came over to my house and we had sex. Suddenly I found myself in a situation where I was actively in contact with both of them. Being the horny monkey-brained man that I am, this felt quite cool and I felt confident and desired. Until I stopped to think deeply about this and my conscience came into play.

It felt wrong and I realized I couldn't keep this up unless I at least let both of them know. It quickly became a mess in my head and I became somewhat distant from both of them and they both realized something was up. I came clean to A and A told me she had a feeling (she would later reveal that someone tipped her off) that I was seeing someone else. At the night that she heard that I was seeing someone else, she as a way to cope decided to go and have sex with another guy too. She told me this and also told me that she thought the guy was an asshole and she was 'thinking about me' a lot that night. We talked about it and it felt like a constructive and honest open conversation which I'm glad we had. We also talked about how she cheated on her previous boyfriend. I admitted then and I admit now that I don't like the fact that she did that as a way to get back at me, but then again, I was also fucking someone else. Days later, I also came clean to B. A then told me that she would not want to continue seeing me unless we were exclusive. I liked A enough that I was willing to break up with B, so that's what I did and I continued dating A exclusively.

Fast forward to 3 months later, now, we have had a wonderful 3 months together, gone on many dates, traveled together, spent many nights together, opened up to each other, she told me she loved me and I told her I love her back. All the while something is still holding me back. I still can't shake the fact that she slept with some random dude who 'she thinks is an asshole' just because she heard I was seeing someone else, and the fact that she cheated on her previous relationship also bothers me. We have had a wonderful 3 months where she has been nothing but good to me and we have showed love and support to each other, but I still can't quite let it go. In my head, I can't believe it was so easy for her to just fuck someone who she allegedly dislikes so much, just as a way to get back to me. I understand she was hurt, but the way she dealt with it honestly ended up hurting me too, maybe it's hypocritical, but I can't lie about my feelings. I tried to shake it off, and the thoughts only come in every once in a while, but they're still there.

One thing that I always liked, was that this mystery man that she slept with always remained anonymous and I was glad to keep it that way. That is until two nights ago, when I was out with A and her friends, and all of a sudden, a man shows up to greet A, saying that he saw her from outside and that he came to greet her and how good it was to see her blablabla. Afterwards, A asked me 'Do you know who that was?' and I say 'No?' as in obviously not. She says it was that man that she slept with that one night. Her friends hear this, and they go what? Now A, and all her friends are having their little moment going 'Omg!! It's him?? What?? Wow!!'. And I'm clearly uncomfortable thinking 'WTF guys, in front of me? Really?'. They realize that I'm uncomfortable and stop.

As A and I are leaving, A apologizes to me and we have a very uncomfortable ride back home. On our way home, I apologize for my distance and I tell her that I was glad that he had remained anonymous and now having met him made me very uncomfortable. We ended having a discussion and all these recurring thoughts that had bothered me finally came out into the open. I told her that I hate the fact that she fucked him because she was upset with me, and that her saying that he was an asshole does not make me feel better like she seemingly thinks it should, and that her having cheated before makes me uncomfortable, and it tells me that she is very impulsive and I asked if she is going to do something like that to me again if she ever gets mad at me again. I also told her the way she and her friends had just reacted about seeing him also made me very uncomfortable. She reassured me that she was indeed in the wrong and that I have nothing to worry about and she is in love with me and that something like that would never happen again. We then went home together and had sex, which maybe we shouldn't have done given the state of things.

The next day, yesterday, she was going to leave the country, so she left my house but things were still weird between us. She texted me saying that I had left some stuff at her house and asked me what I wanted to do with it, and she also apologized once again for the night before. I told her I would go there to pick it up and that I also wanted to talk a bit. My plan was to break up. A few minutes later, she called me asking if that was what I was going to do. I said that I might. She panicked. I went to her house and I told that I fear for our future and compatibility, all these issues that I can't seem to work around and that because of my trauma in past relationships, the way I respond to certain things and my general view on these things, the relationship might not work out. I feel the way I feel about what happened but I also feel guilty about not being able to accept it. Not being able to reconcile about my feelings, and that I realize it keeps me from allowing myself to fully fall in love with her. That I tried, and it didn't work, and it finally came to a breaking point. I told her that having done what she did, makes it seem like it's a very easy decision for her to make, and that instills fear in me. My heart hurts, and from childhood trauma and having been in a very toxic relationship before, my heart has been closed, and now that is finally opening up, it hurts, a lot. I told her all of this. We both cried a lot.

We eventually did not break up, but we agreed to stop contacting each other for a bit, essentially a break. She made it very clear that she will not see other people during this no-contact period because she only wants me, but when we talk again, we will make a decision. She is now out of the country, and I am here with my thoughts. A relationship built on fear is not a relationship that I want. What is done is done, either I come to terms with what happened before, or I cannot learn how to love. She is very secure that she wants to be with me, she has made that very clear. I on the other hand, need to learn to accept what happened in the past, but I haven't been able to. I want to be at peace with my feelings. Please help.