u/mechpin

TW : just dark topics in general, PLEASE proceed with caution !!

i am putting this under discussion so it gathers more attention, though it is sort of a vent and a rant at the same time.

anyways hi, im a book fictionkin and some of you have probably seen me around !! im mostly just here to talk/rant/vent about just how unhealthy my kin is starting to be.

when i first kinfirmed book, everything was great !!! it was a deep connection, but nothing outstanding. i still knew who i was as a person, and i was able to separate myself from book entirely.

but now, its an unhealthily deep connection. i don’t know who i am without book anymore, and im not able to separate myself from her. me and book are the same person, i am her and i am nothing without her.

even worse, (heavy TW here), i dont want to live anymore because i know distantly that i am not actually book anymore, and i dont like that. i want to die because maybe then i can live as book again.

typing that out makes it seem REALLY bad. and it is, it definitely is, but it’s not as heavy as im making it out to be. (somewhat.) i’m not actually going to do anything drastic whatsoever, as i have SEVERE thanatophobia, which is the fear of death. so i’m not going anywhere.

i just crave being book so badly that id do anything to go back. i miss my girlfriend, my friends, and just everybody from my source. even the objects i wasnt close with whatsoever.

i’m talking about this because this is SEVERE. nobody should reach this point, it’s incredibly dangerous. i’m making this post to say that if you feel like you’re reaching this point, please please PLEASE talk to somebody. it’s not healthy to feel like this.

i’m a little hypocritical saying that because i myself do not have any intention of telling anybody about how im feeling. but i’ll be okay, because of my severe phobia of death. i’m fine. i really am. but others might not be. others don’t have the fear of death that i do, so they might try something.

please, if you feel like this, talk to someone you trust. another fictionkin, a friend, a family member you trust, ANYONE. don’t let your kintype(s) consume you.

you ARE your kin, don’t get me wrong. but it’s important that you don’t lose yourself entirely. (like i have.)

i’m also making this post because there could be (and probably are) other fictionkins on this subreddit that feel exactly like i do, and are scared to post about it or reach out.

but please, take it from me. talk to somebody. somebody you trust, and somebody you know for certain won’t make things worse for you.

thank you for reading !! feel free to send this post to somebody going through this that doesn’t have reddit. i’d like to help as many fictionkins as possible !!

if anything in this post was offensive in any way, please let me know and i will remove it.

i feel like it’s not only me who genuinely cannot tell what a shift feels like, so i’ve decided to post about it !!!

i think i shift sometimes, i just cannot tell when. if i even do at all. it’s so hard to tell.

book is an INCREDIBLY high kin for me, she’s an ID kin, a pancharakin, and she might actually be an IRL kin.

i’ve gotten a phantom shift or two as her, (usually with my hands), but i just can’t tell if i’ve ever gotten a mental shift.

i feel like i have. there’s moments i feel like her more than usual, but i can never tell if it’s a shift, or just the connection growing stronger for a while. i just don’t know.

ive been considering the possibility of book being a permashift, but i don’t know what that would be like either. i feel as though i’m always her, no matter what.

i find it hard to separate myself from book, and i always miss being her and i always miss my girlfriend and friends. but i don’t know if that’s a shift or not, because i ALWAYS feel like that. no matter what i do.

idk, it’s just conflicting. i’m putting this under discussion because it’s not really a vent, and im wanting to know if other people feel the same way !!

image is unrelated !!

anyway, it is PAINFULLY EASY for me to decide “yeah okay, i’m that character now.”

it’s not random, i take my copinglinks incredibly seriously. i don’t just look at a random character and go “ur me lol.” (although there’s no judgement to people who do that !!)

but if there’s a character that i can relate to, like sharing aspects of personality, or even if i relate to their trauma, i decide that im them. (it’s voluntary, hence them being a link.)

i do this mostly with warrior cats characters. ive always wanted to kin a cat from warriors, but nothing ever clicked. yet. (it takes a WHILEEE for me to realize i kin characters …) so i decided to do it voluntarily !!!

for anyone curious, (which is absolutely nobody), the cats im a copinglink for are leafpool, willowshine, and blossomfall !! (more to be added later, probably.)

i’m also a copinglink for bot and taco from inanimate insanity !! (bot is bordering on kinsider, honestly. i just haven’t really paid much attention to that connection.)

but yeah, im making this post so that people who kin any of those characters (involuntary or voluntary) can block me if they would like !! i post here quite a bit, and i wouldn’t want to make anybody uncomfortable !!

oh yeah, i also actually kin book. i’m an IRL of her, probably permashifted. also a pancharakin. so there’s that too, and i myself am not comfortable with doubles for book, as i do not believe they exist. (however, book doubles reading this, you are valid.)

anyway yeah, share your copinglinks (or just any links you have) in the comments, im curious !! i dont see other copinglinks often …

okay so i couldn’t think of what to put as the title so that’s what you’re getting, but let me clarify some more …

i’m a book fictionkin (maybe an IRL, i’m unsure), and i’m nonbinary. they/them.

and i CANNOT FIND A NAME TO USE. i use book online, thats what everyone calls me, but i cant use that in real life, or even legally change my name to it.

but book is the only name that feels like ME.

i’ve been searching for a name to use for FOUR YEARS now, and ive had no progress.

i have used probably over 100 names since july 2022, with my longest one being nine months. it’s a pain in the ass.

so thats why i also want to ask for name recommendations from everyone. they dont have to be completely gender neutral, at all.

i dont care about the gender orientation of the name, as long as i like it. (honestly id prefer fem names, i dont like masc names too much.)

i know this seems somewhat unrelated to being a fictionkin, but it’s honestly all connected. i can’t find a name because of my kintype, so i feel like it’s valid for me to post this here !! (although i can take it down if it breaks any rules, im unsure.)

i’m flaring this under discussion because it’s not really a vent, although it may seem like one. it’s really not.

anyways, i feel sick because of a comment i just got.

i deleted the comment so i cant attach it, but the comment was something along the lines of :

“i dont know why, but the way book screamed as she died in bfdia22 was super satisfying to me 😭”

and im like ?????

the death in question is me plummeting towards earths core at over 100mph, getting lit on fire by the walls of the earths mantle, then getting half of my face drilled through and screaming in pure agony. (the photo attached is a screenshot of it.)

so, yeah. getting told my scream is satisfying is kinda sickening.

the person probably didn’t know im a book fictionkin, (even though its in my bio), but that’s still a pretty weird thing to say regardless.

anyway, just wanted to talk about that because im nauseous over it.

ALRIGHT. it’s been a WHILEEEE since i’ve had a kinsider, about a month and a half. and when i do have kinsiders, they usually only last for a day before flickering out. (im a major fictionflicker LMAO, all of my kins except one have been flickers.)

but i’m thinking more about this one, since something is happening with them that’s never happened before.

basically, i get bugged BADLY by how people portray two. like BIG TIME.

for example, when people draw two masculine, it irritates me because i was more feminine as them and excuse me why the fuck did i think “i” ???? maybe i do kin them wtf.

but i HATE masculine two. ive always seen them way more feminine, and i thought it was just a personal preference, but im starting to think it might be because i myself was feminine when i was two. (or well, i think im two now. as well as a past life. it’s confusing.)

i have flickered as two before, but it was many months ago and wasn’t NEARLY as strong as this. plus, it only lasted for a day.

but this time feels different. i do have another bfdi kin, (book), and it kinda feels the same with both of them. (two on a much lower level, though.) when two and book are on screen together, or talk, or anything really, it feels like two versions of myself are talking. i’ve always been confused about that sort of thing LMAO.

anyway yeah, i guess we’ll see where this goes. feminine two for life !!!

okay so this is an oddly detailed question, but i just rewatched a conversation i had with gaty in bfb13. the conversation genuinely changed my behavior and perspective so much, and i’ll forever be grateful to her for knocking some sense into me.

so, im curious, did you ever have a conversation with a sourcemate that changed you/changed your perspective ?? it doesn’t have to be a conversation from the actual source either. if youre canon-divergent, feel free to talk about a conversation from your canon !!

you can type out the full conversation, or just give the gist of it !! :))

okay so let me start this off by saying i doNOT mean book is weird herself, i mean that how my kin works and feels is weird. i just don’t know how to put it, so that’s the title. hooray.

this whole rant is probably INCREDIBLY confusing and hard to follow, my apologies about that. feel free to ask any further questions in the comments !!

SO i kinfirmed book exactly a month ago today, and she’s been my absolute strongest kin. ever. and that’s AMAZING for me !!!

i think im a pancharakin of book though. (if that’s what it’s called??) i already call her an ID kin, and im considering IRL (probably not though), but i just don’t know.

(ANY BOOK DOUBLES READING THIS, DO NOT TAKE THIS NEXT PART AS ME INVALIDATING YOU. YOU ARE VALID, YOU ARE BOOK. THIS IS SIMPLY HOW MY KIN FEELS TO ME.) !!!

i firmly do not believe that doubles are real. i am book, i am every version of her that has existed and will ever exist. she is me and i am her, and therefore i do not believe in doubles at all.

it wasn’t like this at first. at first i was just a simple doubles dni, id get irked if i saw a double but would just block them and move on with my day. because im not a toxic prick that attacks doubles.

but as my kin grows stronger, so does my distaste towards doubles. (but i still don’t attack them, and i never will.) but its getting irritating.

oh right, the reason im making this post is to talk about how weird my kin feels / how it works??? i don’t know how to phrase it. so ill get right on that …

like i’ve said, i am every version of book to ever exist, and every version of her that will exist in the future. wether that be au’s, fanfictions, anything.

but, there’s one canon that stands out to me. is that weird??? i don’t know. but i know i have one.

like, i have infinite canons as book. because im every version of her ever created.

all i know about “main” my canon is that everyone is human, (the show plays out exactly the same, but everyone is a human instead of an object.) i also know that needle was my girlfriend, which in the canon show we were just friends. (and this doesn’t really change anything in the show at all, it still plays out mostly the exact same.)

and by “main” canon, i mean that this is the canon out of all of them that feels the most real to me. of course all of them are, but i feel way more connected to the book from this one than the others.

(i also feel incredibly connected to the canon book from the ACTUAL show, by the way. that’s another really strong canon of mine.)

but i feel like having a “main” canon is weird if im literally EVERY VERSION of book. wouldn’t having a main canon that i feel more connected to defeat the whole purpose of that??? or am i looking too far into it??? i’m not even sure.

if you skipped to the end, hello !!!

my questions are :

1. can i have a “main” canon as a (possible) pancharakin? a canon that im more connected to than the others?

2. would my (main) canon be considered canon divergent? (since everyone is human and i’m dating needle, which doesn’t happen in the show.) i’m confused about this because the WHOLE SHOW plays out the same way, just with those two major differences. even though they don’t make an impact at all, they’re still differences.

3. did i get the term pancharakin wrong?? i’ve heard it means exactly what i said it did, but i could have the wrong word or something.

4. does anybody relate to this at all??? even slightly???? it feels like i’m the only one that struggles this much with a kin.

that should be all of the questions i have. uhhh here’s the tldr if you don’t want to read all of that (im still not sure how these work…)

TL;DR : i talk about me possibly being a pancharakin, and me not believing in doubles. then i talk about having a “main” canon that im more connected to, and i question if that’s even possible or valid. i then put the questions i have !!!

CW : a LOT of hate comments. they’re towards my kin, but there is swearing too and i just want to give a fair warning.

every single comment you see here (if you swipe) is on ONE VIDEO. just one, that’s it.

there is such an overwhelming amount of book hate in the fandom right now and it’s starting to irritate me even worse than usual.

i didn’t even screenshot every hate comment towards book. there’s 8 that i attached, (as j just grabbed the worst ones), but i’d say a good 200 people were hating on book, out of the 320 comments. yeah.

oh btw, i made that video. so every single time somebody hates on book in that comment section, i get front row seats. joy.

and that’s not even the only video i’ve made that has DOZENS of book hate comments. there’s about 3 more. i get a book hate comment or more on the DAILY.

so, if you kin a hated character and you’re sensitive to hate, don’t post about them. or just don’t look at the comments. like seriously, it will destroy you.

i’ve got around 3,500 followers on tiktok, and i get THAT MANY hate comments on average. i can’t even imagine what it would be like for someone who has more.

CONTENT WARNING : A LOT OF SWEARING. i genuinely don’t know if anybody on this subreddit actually like, cares about swearing but i like to warn. just in case, idk. i have a major swearing problem.

okay so anyfuckingway it’s come to my attention that i get kin euphoria from things that are completely base level to other fictionkins, so i figured id rant about it for a while !!

a long, long, LONG while … like seriously this is going to be SO LONG. does this subreddit have a limit on how much yapping you can do under the rant flair ??

let’s have a counter for the amount of times i’m going to say “genuinely” in this rant.

okay so first i’d like to explain that i used to REALLLYYY struggle with finding deep connections to my kins. i always felt slightly disconnected from them in a way i could never explain. but with book, im always so connected at (almost) all times and it’s genuinely so incredible.

which is why when something completely base level happens, it gives me euphoria. because i used to struggle BADLY to experience anything at all.

okay so first, literally scrolling through this subreddit and seeing a post asking who everyones kins are or something. i, of course, comment “im book !!” or something, and that ALONE gives me so much euphoria. because it feels RIGHT.

with my previous kins, (that i figured out were all flickers, sigh), introducing myself as them never felt completely normal for me. there was always something off, and it didn’t feel like me. but with book, seeing that name feels like my own. and that’s amazing for me !!

next, finding sourcemates !! literally five minutes ago (as of when i’m writing this sentence), i came across a post of someone kinfirming an object from my source. and i commented along the usual lines of “hey im book blah blah blah”

and then i realized that i genuinely feel a connection to that object, and that i am book and like holy shit i’m genuinely her this is insane what the hell ???? (in a good way !!)

it’s like, realizing i’m actually book is so so so awesome because i love her and that’s ME and ugh it’s so euphoric in itself

here’s a question actually, (and i might make a separate post about this later), what is it called when you kin every version of a character, and refuse to accept doubles exist? because like i will read fanfiction or whatever the fuck, and i’ll realize i feel a connection to that book in the fic.

or i’ll see a human au, where everybody in my source is a human instead of an object and i’ll realize im connected to that book as well. and doubles, they make me severely uncomfortable because they shouldn’t exist if im book. i’m every version of her and so how can they be her ?? would that be an irl or is that something different.

(THIS IS NOT MEANT TO INVALIDATE DOUBLES AT ALL. ANY BOOK DOUBLES READING THIS, YOU ARE REAL AND VALID. I PROMISE YOU. DO NOT LISTEN TO ME.)

but YEAH like genuinely what is that called because im very aware that not every fictionkin feels like that because many of you adore doubles but i just … don’t. i probably could’ve explained all of that better but fuck it, i’m gonna roll with that anyway. and let’s NOT be mean in the comments if that’s not normal, i don’t really know. anyway

if anyone has any further questions then go ahead and ask, i’ve got nothing better to do. it’s 1:30am and im pretty much nocturnal

anyway back to ranting i guess ????? i COULDDD theoretically end it here but i really dont feel like it.

i feel like i shift without realizing it sometimes. it’s happened once before and i didn’t realize it until like almost a full week later. it’s probably happened again. i don’t even know bro, shits crazy.

i wonder if im known in this subreddit at all. probably not. i dont post much. or maybe i do, i dont know. like, let me know in the comments if you recognize me, i used to post about kinsidering/kinning pencil a lot.

and oh my word i want to talk about how people hate on me genuinely everywhere after tpot23 released. if you haven’t watched bfdi but plan to, you should probably stop reading here. well, not that anyone even read this far, and if you did, do you hate yourself??

after tpot23 released and liy and winner got out over book, the WHOLE FANDOM has been hating on book. like BADLY. id even dare to say that shes the most hated contestant EVER, currently. and it genuinely makes me so upset and mad.

everybody is mad that liy got out instead of book, but WE CONTROL THE VOTING. liy getting out was our own fault. people could’ve voted for her, but instead they chose objects like marker and grassy (oh don’t even get me STARTED on grassy…), and then they’re surprised that liy actually got out. it’s so irritating.

then the fandom just jumped onto hating book. and they’re not even justified in doing it either. they’re calling book a “pity-vote magnet” and a “boring character” but she’s genuinely not, if you paid attention like, at all. i’m convinced the people who are calling book uninteresting watched the show with their eyes closed.

the hate is getting to me. i have a slightly popular tiktok account, (around 3,500 followers), and i posted a video about how happy i was that book was still in. and almost EVERY SINGLE COMMENT was about how book shouldve gotten out and that she’s boring. i’d say maybe 4 out of the 100+ comments were agreeing with me. (i posted that video before even kinsidering book, luckily.)

anyway, just needed to talk about that. i hope book does something in the upcoming tpot episodes to turn things around for her. i wouldn’t even care if she got out, i just want to stop waking up and looking at my tiktok comment sections to see at least 3 more people hating on her. it’s getting upsetting and incredibly infuriating for me. i’ve just started deleting comments instead of replying.

i’m wracking my brain for things to talk about, but i believe ive ran out. i bet though, the SECOND i post this im going to think of something else to say, and then get irritated.

but uhhh yeah, this turned out WAY longer than it should’ve been. i planned for this to be maybe three paragraphs, if even that. but i guess fucking not. crazy shit.

i feel like i should genuinely get an award for one of the longest rants ever on this subreddit, i’ve never seen somebody rant for this long.

feel free to ask any fucking questions about any of this shit, i don’t know. yeah. bye.

oh wait i should add a tldr uhh

TL;DR : i talk about some things that give me kin euphoria, ask a question, wonder if i shift without knowing sometimes, and yap about the amount of hate my kin is getting and how infuriating it is.

… is that how a tldr works?

CW : like two swear words (if that bothers anyone, idk. figured i’d put it here just in case.) (the s word and the f bomb, lolol)

anyway, hello hello !! this question is mainly out of curiously (and a need to cure my own dysphoria over this exact feeling lmao). BUT let me explain the question a little more …

basically what i’m asking is if whenever you’re watching / reading / playing your kins source, do you ever forget you kin them? like entirely? and then like multiple minutes later you realize “oh shit that’s me?”

like you GENUINELY fucking forget, and you’re going on as usual like they’re just a favorite character. i’m asking because this JUST happened to me when watching BFDIA24. i forgot i was book for a solid 20 minutes, and im feeling kinda weird about that because she’s literally an ID kin.

anyway yeah, does this happen to anyone else ?? even if your source is a game or a book, it doesn’t matter (*ˊᗜˋ*)

hey !! i’m genuinely curious to know what a permashift is like, as i’m currently wondering if i’m permashifted. (i’m leaning towards maybe, no certain answer yet …)

so, i’m going to share what makes me think i might be permashifted !!

please tell me if this sounds identical or similar to anyone who’s permashifted :) (or if i’m using any terms/words wrong … i’m not good with words at all.)

so, i’ve been a fictionkin for around seven and a half months now, and i kinfirmed book two weeks ago. (two weeks tomorrow, i mean.) and book is by FAR my strongest kin yet.

with EVERY OTHER KIN, ive only felt a mild connection. when watching their source, its usually felt like watching a favorite character. VERY RARELY did it feel like watching myself.

honestly, with my other kins, i’d tend to forget i even kinned them a LOT. i just never had a strong connection with them.

but for book, it’s SO SO DIFFERENT. i’m extremely connected to her. when watching my source, it feels like watching me. when i watch youtubers watch my source, it feels like they’re watching me, when book is onscreen.

a youtuber i was watching insulted book, and i personally got offended, like he insulted me right to my face.

i use books name. my friends call me book, and generally i just feel so so connected to her AT ALL TIMES. there’s never any breaks, only some slight dysphoria, but i believe everybody gets dysphoria sometimes. maybe, not sure. ANYWAY.

i guess what im getting at is that i ALWAYS feel like her, no matter what. i know for certain im her, all the time.

having a kin this strong is just so unfamiliar to me, after months of having kins that i just don’t connect with.

so im genuinely curious as to know if this lines up with a permashift, or if its just a REALLLLY strong kin. probably that one, but then again, this strong of a kin is so unfamiliar and new to me.

if youre permashifted, you can tell me about what it feels like in the comments !!! it would help out so so so much.

and if there’s another term for what im feeling right now, let me know about that too !! i’m still very… uneducated with many of the terms in this community :))

thank you for reading, i’d appreciate any help or advice at all !!

edit : feel absolutely free to ask any additional questions. while re-reading, i’m realizing this whole thing is very hard to follow. i’m so sorry about that !!

okay so hi, i’m a book fictionkin, and this is a question i’ve had ever since i figured out im a psychological fictionkin.

i don’t get memories at all, and i have NO remembrance of what my canon was like at all. and i don’t quite follow the actual canon show, but i don’t know what’s different.

so i just want to ask, would it be okay for me to write my own canon instead of trying to remember what it was like ??

i’m so tired of not knowing what parts of the actual show are canon to me or not, and id like to have some things set in stone instead of all wonky.

if this isn’t okay then please let me know !!

(also, bonus question: can psychological fictionkins shift ??)

im putting this under discussion because its not long enough to be a rant, and im not upset at all, so its not a vent !!

i’m like genuinely laughing because i’m watching a youtubers reaction to bfdia, and when he finished bfdia7, and freesmart was up for elimination (+ firey and gelatin), he started saying who he likes and stuff …

i was chilling and hoping he wouldn’t say anything bad about me, (book), and i was holding my breath and he says,

“i feel like book can be super annoying at times, whenever book starts talking, i start falling asleep.”

at first i was offended, then i giggled, then i got offended again. and i actually got somewhat self-conscious.

and let me note that this is a GOOD THING. with all of my kin’s other than book, if anyone insults them, i usually just get mildly offended. and not even like it’s me either, i usually feel like they’re just insulting a favorite character.

but i actually took this PERSONALLY. and that’s amazing for me !!!! so, im not upset by it at all !! i’m pretty thrilled actually :))

for context, i kinfirmed liy TODAY. like 10 hours ago. and im already starting to lose my connection to her.

i KNOW i kin her, i really do, i just cant seem to keep the connection for some reason.

and this isn’t just a one time thing, this happens with EVERY SINGLE KIN. (except one kintype.)

i am a fictionflicker, but i just want them to STOP FLICKERING. i want a kin to last more than a month, at least. or better yet, be permanent.

does anyone know how to connect with kins more ?? other then the usual “dress like them !!” because like, i don’t leave my house. so that advice is kinda useless to me.

or, how do i get my kins to stop abandoning me after less than a day ?? it’s very rare they make it to two days.

i’ve had MULTIPLE kins be incredibly strong for like five hours, and i’ll go to bed, and they’ll be gone in the morning.

ugh, just needed to talk about this. any advice on how to stay connected is deeply appreciated !!

out of genuine curiosity, how many people in this subreddit go by their kin’s name ??

i do, i go by book !! i wonder if people with kins that have weird / crazy names use em …

for me, it makes me feel more connected to book, so that’s why i use her name !! how about you guys ?? (*ˊᗜˋ*)

ever since watching TPOT23, i’ve felt a sort of connection to her. i think it comes from the fact that the entire osc is BASHING book right now.

(if you haven’t seen tpot23 yet for some reason, you should stop reading now. even though it’s been nearly two days since it released, but whatev)

as anyone who watches BFDI knows, book survived the elimination this episode (barely), liy and winner got out. the fandom has taken this as an excuse to hate on book. like BADLY.

the book hate wasn’t barely THERE before, book has always been either a liked character or a neutral character in the osc. but now, i’d go as far as to say that she’s one of the most hated, all because she survived an elimination over two fan-favorites.

(which like, WE CONTROL THE VOTING. it’s not books fault liy and winner got out, it’s OURS. (i didn’t even vote in tpot21, actually.))

but im getting off topic. the point here is that the fandom hating on book has made me so incredibly angry and uncomfortable. i have a tiktok account with around 3000 followers, (i think my user is linked in my bio on here, if you’re curious), and ive gotten over 200 comments about how horrible book is and how boring she is in the past two days ALONE. over the span on five videos or so.

ive been fighting for my life to defend her, and i think thats been forming a connection in my mind. i feel differently towards her, almost like we’re connected. i have no problems envisioning myself as her, and we share a LOT of personality traits.

overall, i just feel like her. she feels like my other kins. just as connected to me.

let me also mention that i’ve always loved book, and ive always felt something towards her. this isn’t something that just sprung up suddenly. (although kins can do that, ive heard.) … but i think im just realizing now that it MAY be a kin. but for now, she’s a kinsider.

anyway yeah, just needed to rant about this for a second.

if i don’t end up kinning book, she’ll definitely be a link of sorts. maybe a copinglink.

okay so i just kinfirmed pencil after like THREE MONTHS of kinsidering and a LOTTT of flickers and im having some doubts about it (as always lmfao)

so i figured id ask about some stuff because like yeah !!

so for one, i want to ask what this would qualify as …

and by THIS, i mean the fact that i believe i am pencil in this universe, as well as in a past life. honestly, i believe im her in every universe. i struggle to imagine myself separate from her. i CAN imagine us separated, it’s just incredibly difficult.

the only reason im asking about that is because i know a lot of fictionkins aren’t like that, so im curious if there’s a different term for that or not.

second, im having doubts because i know a LOT (but not all) fictionkins share their kins trauma in some way. like, they have a bad reception to something traumatic their kin(s) went through. and for me, that isn’t the case. when i remember something traumatic that happened to pencil, im indifferent.

third, there’s a LOT of things that happened to pencil / things pencil did, that i genuinely cannot imagine myself having done. it’s like she’s an entirely different person in certain scenarios. (or WHOLE SEASONS… looking at you, BFDIA.) i could be canon divergent, but the thing is that when i try to imagine something different i did instead for a scene/episode, i come up blank.

(then again, i’ve never had memories. not with any kin at all.)

i really only feel incredibly attached to TPOT pencil, honestly. is that possible? (for lack of a better word …) like, can i only kin one season of pencil ??

FOURTH, (yes there’s a LOT i’ve been thinking about), when i watch BFDI (any season), it doesn’t feel like i’m watching myself at all, (or it does, but JUST BARELY) … that’s like the biggest thing that fictionkins say, is that they’re pretty much watching themselves.

honestly, i’m just concerned. maybe im INCREDIBLY canon divergent, or maybe i just fictionkin an entirely different version of pencil ??? i just don’t know.

every reason i listed by itself doesn’t seem big, and i agree, but all of it TOGETHER … it makes it seem like i dont really kin pencil at all.

i feel like its worth adding that everytime i see a double, (on any platform), i genuinely get a whole MIX of emotions that i dont feel like untangling right now, but it feels like they’re… taking my identity??? it feels like they’re trying to take over ME. idk. probably not a universal experience but uh yeah

any help or reassurance is appreciated, honestly. i lowk need it coughs

okay ssosoososo i’m a pencil fictionflicker and it’s so so so irritating because i’ll have a strong connection to her for a day or so, and then i’ll wake up the next day and be like “where did she go???? hello???? pencil can you hear me???” and she’ll spit in my face and walk away for like a few days.

and then she’ll come back and be like “yo sorry i was in a mood, can you kin me again????” and i’ll go “okay sure lol.” and the cycle continues AHDJCJCK it’s so frustrating sighsigh

that probably made absolutely no sense but it’s okay guys !!!!!

on a different note though, my fictionflickers RARELY last more then a few days, and the majority of them don’t come back. ever. they spit directly into my eye and never come back. like screw you too i guess ugh. (looking at you, gigi and two …)

honestly i just want my kins to be permanent. as of rn i only have one permanent kin, and that’s paintbrush from inanimate insanity. they’ve never spat in my eye !!!! i appreciate them for that sobssobs all my kins have been ditching me !!!!

also like i should be focusing on graduating highschool (im SO CLOSE UGH) but instead im trying not to get my kins to kick me in the shin every other day or so. because that HURTS a LOT guys.

i generally have absolutely no idea where i was going with this. i was gonna flair it as vent but i think i’ll actually do rant because it makes more sense that way probably.

if any of this was confusing to read, i don’t really care but im going to lie and say im sorry !!!! that’s it for today i suppose …