u/melanin787878

I have maybe had Raynauds type symtoms 5 times over last 5 years. just like a numb toe. and i am stiff, but i blamed postpartum. What does this mean?

I’m trying to figure out the logistics of separating before there’s a formal custody agreement. We have a 1-year-old, and I’m his primary caregiver. I’m the one who handles the day-to-day routines, daycare, appointments, meals, and bedtime, so keeping that consistency is my biggest priority.

I’m considering a few options:
Stay in our home and ask him to move out.
Move in with a friend temporarily (not ideal, but doable).
Alternate parenting time while I stay elsewhere and he figures out his next steps.
How did you handle this stage before custody was formalized? What worked with a 1-year-old?
Also, if you owned a home together, did one of you buy the other out? How did that work? Is it realistic for one person to refinance, take over the mortgage, and let the other walk away to start fresh?
I can’t afford two residences, and I’m trying to make the decision that’s best for my son while also being financially realistic.
I’d love to hear what you did and what you’d do differently.

It took some time to get my ducks in a row, but I finally found a calm, non-volatile moment to tell my husband that I want a divorce and that I'm moving forward with the separation process.

I approached the conversation with as much kindness and respect as I could. I was thoughtful, empathetic, and calm, even though I know my truth. I know I've been mistreated, and I know there comes a point where continuing to extend empathy to someone who hasn't shown it to you becomes complicated. He would threaten divorce constantly.

I had completely braced myself for anger, threats, or another explosion. Instead, he broke down. He's devastated. It's honestly hard to watch. My guard is still up because, while I believe his sadness, shock, and regret are genuine emotions, I don't believe the underlying pattern has suddenly changed. That's the part I'm trying to hold onto.

The part I'm struggling with is that I instinctively want to comfort him. And that's confusing, because when I spent years begging for respect, love, and empathy, those things were always just out of reach. They felt conditional like something I had to earn, something that was always held just beyond my grasp.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you separate compassion from being pulled back into the same cycle? How do make sure you are not being manipulated? Why is he begging now? Did he not experience what I did?

I have to vent. I dislike him more and more each day. He never truly helps with the baby only just enough to say he did. He leaves everything messy. He’s narcissistic, deeply performative, and obsessed with preserving his own image above anything else.

What makes it worse is that this isn’t new. He has called me names, physically abused me, and made me feel incredibly small throughout our engagement, on the night of our wedding, during my pregnancy, and now in this postpartum period. Even writing this makes me feel stupid, because part of me thinks I should have left a long time ago. He constantly told me he would leave me anyway, and looking back, that should have been my exit.

Now, he keeps pressuring me to sit down and hash out this divorce, like I would be stupid enough to sit down with him. The person who has treated me like shit. I am afraid that if I do go through my lawyer he will try to keep my parents and me away from my baby. And to be clear I am a stable person from a stable background with lots of love and energy for my baby. My folks and I do nothing but pour into the baby.

This morning started over something completely mundane in the house —a thing we’ve argued about before. He brought it up in a supposedly “normal” way, but I was already exhausted by the pattern of it all. I was flat and emotionally drained. But with him, it never matters if I’m tired, sick, overwhelmed, physically ill, or just done. He pushes anyway.

So of course I was accused of being argumentative and rude, and things escalated like they always do. He started yelling. When I asked him to stop, he accused me of “acting white” and said I was insulting his culture something he weaponizes whenever it benefits him. I finally called my father because I was so tired of being alone in it. My dad got on the phone and made it clear he was sick of watching me be disrespected. Then my husband started cussing my father out, calling him stupid, and my father didn't mince words either, but it was so disgusting to hear this man talk to an elderly person like that.

At that point, I just felt completely irate. Like this situation has become so toxic and degrading that I barely recognize myself anymore.