"This will make America great again," said presidential advisors Ultron, Nimrod, and a T-1000.
"I … have mixed feelings," said historian R. Daneel Olivaw.
"We can't handle the truth!" shouted Republican committee member, covering his ears.
"You can sit in this special seat, sir," said the pilot, with tears in his eyes. "We call it an ejector seat."
The President earned his first mile at the age of two, by claiming someone else had pooped his pants.
He earned his last mile saying the same thing.
"Those suckers and losers would have been grateful," said the President. "Now Arlington National Cemetery is going bankrupt by Tuesday. After a photo op."
"Fake news," said a respected Republican. "What does she know?"
"Thar he blows!" whispered one park ranger, since fired.
"We thought the big W was a bad president," says one character. "Silly us."
"I don't really care, do you?" asked the First Lady.
"Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un, of North Korea," said the President, "We're now going steady."
"I wuv my cute wittle wocket man," continued the President.
The Justice Department is tracking down any Olympic medalists who might have looked at it funny.