u/mellow186

"Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un, of North Korea," said the President, "We're now going steady."

"I wuv my cute wittle wocket man," continued the President.

The Justice Department is tracking down any Olympic medalists who might have looked at it funny.

"Sir," they all said in unison, "This is the greatest idea ever, covfefe."

"Sir," they continued. "Sir sir sir, sir sir, sir sir sir sir."

"It's the ugliest toad I've ever seen," said biologist Rosalind Fossey. "And I studied the Surinam toad. At least it only carried eggs on its backside."

"Ooooh, look, a 1!" said President Trump. "That must be good!"

"We're just bowing to the reality of how he used the chair," said White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles.

"Also," she continued, "It's really convenient if he has an idea. Or sees his polls. Or wants somewhere to stash the Constitution."

Female reporters are recommended not to show their teeth around the President, to hide anything shiny, and to wash their hands thoroughly after he gives a press conference.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?” Ohio Republican Bernie Moreno asked Fauci earlier this week. "Bein' all smart'n'stuff?"

Everyone not independently wealthy is encouraged to develop a taste for catfood.

"He's clearly a terrorist," said Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche. "He threatened the President with the eye of a needle."

"I tried a plunger," said the plumber. "And then a drain snake. But that thing's stuck in their fast. It ain't goin' nowhere."