I came out abruptly to two friends and their comments have left me feeling sad
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (besides my partner), and I want to understand what I'm feeling and why. Maybe you can share some thoughts on whether I overreacted, what I could have done instead, and how I should deal with this moving forward.
TLDR: I came out a bit abruptly to my friends yesterday, and their reaction and a subtle shift in their perception of me has left me feeling a bit strange.
Context/Background:
My partner (female) and I (female) have been in a long-term relationship for 5.5 years. We haven't shared this with our families yet, but we plan to in the near future. Besides my sister, my best friends, and a few close friends, everyone else thinks I'm in a male-female relationship because I refer to my partner as "he," his preferred pronoun.
The story:
My two friends (one male, one female), whom I’ve known for a few years, and I were on the train to a hike, talking about me and my partner and how I don't tag or post my partner's face on IG. My male friend, who's gay, said, "I didn't think the person in your photos was your boyfriend, because I've always thought it was a girl." I wasn't ready to share anything, so I just said, "No, that's my partner, he's social media shy so I like to hide his face," and we moved on.
While we were waiting for my female friend to come back from the toilet, I told my gay friend upfront that my partner is indeed female. I also shared that we're keeping the same-sex part of the relationship a secret because I haven't come out to my parents yet, they'll likely react negatively, and I'm not ready to be upfront with other people. The only thing I'm comfortable sharing publicly with everyone else is that I have a partner, that's it. He was supportive and said he understood and was happy for me no matter what. We moved on.
During the hike, my male friend suddenly asked, "Why did you say your parents would have a negative reaction to your relationship?" and followed up with a few more questions. My female friend got really confused and said, "What are you talking about?" I felt very uneasy and said to my male friend, "She doesn't know what I've told you yet." He realized he'd shared something personal that he shouldn't have and quickly apologized. Right then, I said to myself "fuck it" and decided to tell my female friend that I'm in a same-sex relationship. I explained why I'm not comfortable sharing it publicly yet: I haven't come out to my family, I fear a negative reaction from them, I want to share when I feel ready and not forced, and my partner identifies as a he and we don't want people fixating on him being female. Both friends were very empathetic, and again, we moved on.
After walking for a while, my female friend suddenly said, "That's why your partner is so good at taking photos of you. I always wondered how a man could take such good photos of their girlfriend…" I laughed, but internally I felt it was a strange comment because it was so fixated on my partner being female.
Later that evening, we were walking down the street talking about musicals we'd like to see. We passed a Magic Mike poster and my female friend said, "Well, you probably don't like watching that." I didn't appreciate it and said, "No, what do you mean? I'm more than comfortable watching it." It felt like she'd made the comment because she now associates me with being a lesbian (which I don't identify as, because I'm not), and automatically assumed that once you're a lesbian, a show about men wouldn't be your thing.
I want to believe my friends meant well, but when I got home that night I felt some sadness. I feel like I forced myself to come out when I wasn't fully ready (this is on me, because I could have found a way not to). It also felt strange to hear comments I'd never heard before, only after I came out.
I wish it could have been just "Thank you for sharing with us about your relationship," and that's it, without random, awkward comments attached to the kind of relationship I'm in.