u/meownicorny

I don't really know where to begin here. I've made other posts. I have two severely autistic brothers. Both are adults, mentally they are the equivalent of 3 and 11 years old. Everything has been about trying to set boundaries and having them cross perpetually. Whenever I feel like I get two steps forward I end up getting pulled five steps back. I think what I'm going through right now is the process of grief of knowing that any amount of respecting boundaries has always been a lie. I just came out of a chapter of caring for my dad as he died from a really awful disease. It was helpful in seeing that I am a good person but the circumstances in which everything happened was just chaotic as hell.

There are no other siblings. My hell when I envisioned the future when I was a kid was that I would just end up being the caretaker for both my parents and both my brothers. And this is intended by design. I am not viewed as the daughter who deserves her own life but rather as the lucky only normal child who, by the way is also neurodivergent, suffering from C-PTSD... but it doesn't matter because at least I'll be able to take care of everyone.

My mom started flipping out at me on the phone because she was never the co-conservator of my brother's, it was just my dad. And she tried passing the buck on to me before she takes on that role. Obviously I shut that down but it's been a wild process as the court calls into question why she was never co-conservator of her own children in the first place. So even though over an email with the lawyers she stated that I would not be taking over she then turns it around and starts flipping out on me about how I will potentially need to step in if she's not able to get all seven powers of limited conservatorship.

She's somewhere between BPD and NPD. I just am finding myself especially since this happened a couple of days ago regressing in terms of my behaviors and habit patterns. I feel like for all of us association is such an easy thing because the escape into disassociated minds is some of the only peace. But it's not healthy and it's not helpful. It just hurts that when my dad was alive you never respected these things and my mom was never going to but all of this is awful.

I feel so much pain inside thinking that no matter what I do it's not enough. If I take care of my dad as he's dying it's not enough. If I do the same with my mom it's not enough. I will be judged and shamed and banished from people's lives if I choose not to take on the roles with my brothers who physically and emotionally abused me. It's just so much grief. So much loss. And so much waste. The negative thought loop I have in my head is that I hate my life even though I don't really feel that way but this is part of the regression talking. I just need to talk to someone who understands. Yes I'm in therapy.

EDIT: I am just someone who has spent many years volunteering with them on playa and is on the mailing list, so was just sharing what they wrote. I am not a person to direct questions to about their leadership structure or fundraising objectives. Thank you!

"Dear Zendo Project Supporter,

After 14 years of providing psychedelic care and emotional support to the Burning Man community, 2026 brings about a significant change. Zendo Project will not be providing peer support services at Burning Man this summer. It is a hard thing to say, and we don’t say it lightly.

Black Rock City has been at the heart of our community and project - it's where Zendo Project first opened its doors in 2012, born as a gift to the playa from the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS). It's where Zendo volunteers fell in love with this type of work and had their own life-changing experiences. It's where we first discovered the power of Zendo’s Four Principles of Care. This project would not exist without Burning Man, and Black Rock City will always be our home.

Zendo Project became an independent nonprofit in 2023 and since then, we've been working to find a financially sustainable way to show up on the playa. Last year, for the first time, we received dedicated funding from Burning Man Project - a milestone made possible by generous donors in the Burner community. This year, that support isn't available, and the scale of covering costs for Burning Man is simply too big for us to absorb on our own.

We're deeply grateful to the Black Rock Rangers for years of partnership and fierce advocacy, and to everyone who has made Zendo Project's mission possible out in the dust. Zendo is exploring new approaches to becoming a sustainable presence at Burning Man in 2027 and into the future...."