How to support uBPD mom after mental health crisis?
(Cat haiku: Soft paws, bright round eyes,
Chasing sunbeams on the floor,
Purring in my lap.)
Hi! Posting here for the first time a few months into unpacking that my mother likely has BPD (which my own therapist brought to my attention). Nearly 2 years ago I moved out at 22 for law school, leaving my parents and grandmother in the family home. There was nothing but fights and I was back nearly every weekend trying to mediate. Long story short, my parents broke up after 20+ years in a very ugly, drawn-out way. I was so in the middle of everything and lost the first two years of my degree worrying and care-taking.
My mom was hospitalized on New Year’s Day because she was suicidal and driving her car and needed to be stopped by police. She insisted she was fine and it was just the holiday loneliness. At the end of May, she was hospitalized for a severe second attempt by medication overdose. Sometime in the midst of taking the pills, she made a social media post revealing she had been in a relationship for over a year with someone we all thought was just a friend. Affair allegations related to this person were a huge part of why my parents’ relationship ended. I experienced extreme arguments for months and nearly ruined my relationship with my other parent because they were so extremely angry at my mom - and I couldn’t understand why because my mom had never done what she was being accused of.
I didn’t have time to process before I was at the hospital and she was in a coma. She eventually woke up and is doing well now - but grieving her breakup with this person, as well as dealing with having lost her job. She is being followed by a crisis team but her sessions with them are almost finished and I have no idea what support looks like once that’s over.
I am starting to realize how incredibly self-centered my family is - I have had parents who expected me to be their therapists, their peers, their personal lines of credit, their punching bags. I have done everything possible for years to sacrifice my own life and needs and wellbeing to be able to give them what they need. I do nothing except work and go to school. I’m lonely and anxious but at least I won’t harm anyone the way my parents have.
My mom has never apologized - she has been extremely vocal about needing boundaries, being anxious and in a spiral, and going through so much that no one understands. I know she has been through so much trauma, and this recent episode was further traumatizing on her. But where is the line between healthy empathy/compassion/support vs BPD traits? She is filled with so much shame and is so alone - I don’t know how to let her experience the consequences without feeling like I’m abandoning someone in a mental health crisis.