u/mialene

I thought I’d mostly healed my relationship with my body and food during my 30s. Intuitive eating worked for me, I was a size I was comfortable with and finally began to enjoy clothes and life, generally. Without being consumed with thoughts of dieting and hatred towards my body.

Cut to now - I’m 40 and have, despite being more active this past year, eating healthy, home-cooked meals while prioritizing protein and fibre, been steadily gaining weight to the point that I can’t even fit into my ‘fat jeans’ anymore.

The hormone fluctuations are already giving me depression and anxiety, and now the body dysmorphia, food shaming monster is back full-force. I don’t need more enemies at this time. I miss the kind voice I worked so hard to develop. The one that reminded me to nurture the body that grew my favourite person.

And then there’s days when I just can’t move or get anything done. The anhedonia is scary. Like so what. I’ll surrender. Nothing matters. My body hates me and so does everyone else. Why work towards a goal when I’m already low on energy and it’s all going to backfire anyway. Eat the cookie, who cares. It doesn’t even taste like anything tbh. I’m always nauseous and can’t even enjoy food when I want to.

Also I can’t stop thinking of how the way we look at peri is a product of the patriarchal systems we live in. Maybe nature wants us to rest. I don’t wanna hustle anymore. For work, for fitness, for relationships. And I’m hurt that I spent all my youth pouring into systems that dgaf now that I have less to give.

I am looking into HRT but my point is, maybe I shouldn’t have to. Women were never meant to work 9-5 and the fact that we need to take drugs to pay bills and keep ourselves and our kids alive is highlighting the problems with the world we live in.

Biologically, my mind and body are ready to retire and live in a little cottage in the woods. Brain fog is only a problem when you’re living in a fast-paced world that requires us to be alert and do stuff like taxes and make doctor’s appointments. Money we pay to the powers that don’t care about us.

The world should accommodate our bodies as they exist naturally. I just wanna go somewhere and scream. Or not. Because I don’t have the energy for it.

Oh my goodness, I just got my first Silver Black Velvet brush and I’m completely blown away! This is like magic.

I’ve mostly painted with a Caran D’ache water reservoir brush or cheap paintbrushes from Amazon - this is the biggest upgrade ever! I don’t think I want to use any other brush again.

I’m creating my own custom palette gradually. I first got some Daniel Smith and one W&N Professional, squeezed them into half pans and they were fully cured after being left overnight.

A store in another city had a deal on Rosa Gallery so I got a few tubes, and one Van Gogh. The Rosa paints are still quite sticky/gummy after two nights.

I looked up what binder they use and everywhere that they’re sold in my country it says gum Arabic, so they’re not honey based. I deliberately avoid the latter because I want to have a palette that can fully cure so I don’t have to worry about mess when I’m out and about.

Have you folks experienced the same with Rosa? Do you have any tips? I love the paints and will continue to use them, just worried they might be hard to handle.

I currently have them in a tin case with magnetic stickers but I could get a more secure palette.