Shame with desire
I've been seeing someone. Its not physical yet, but it seems to be on its way there, possibly. I really like her. In fact, she's the first woman I've been consciously interested in. Very interested in. And (I don't want to jinx anything) but so far I'm getting the impression that this is potentially mutual.
My point of stress here is that I'm learning the hard way that I had no idea how certain things felt or how involuntary those feelings are.
Like great, no one explained that being into someone meant I can't stop thinking of her and walking around massively turned on most of the day. Its very weird. Like I've downloaded an expansion pack.
I'm realizing that when I do think of her sexually, I feel immense guilt. And it sucks because she's on my mind constantly and the most inappropriate thoughts and scenarios will fly into my mind involuntarily. I didn't realize they were involuntary. But then I'll feel so guilty for thinking about her sexually. Like I'm violating her? I don't know.
Anyone else experienced this?