i've listened to every episode 5x over, while at work, i also listen to creep cast, but chuckle has been an absolute anchor for me, it's my ultimate comfort thing, but i can't listen to it again and again, it's starting to lose its luster, usually i switch it up for a week or so and then im good again, but what else do you guys recommend
(SKIP TO 3RD SECTION IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ CONTEXT AND BACKSTORY)
Hey, i have never really reached out to the trans community before about this, but I (23yr old M) Have been questioning my gender for a long time. To start off im not some secret, deeply closeted person, ive engaged and explored being trans before, but i just cant exactly pinpoint exactly what i identify with. Ive always disagreed with hypermasculinity, ive always felt different than my male peers, and i never really had the phase where i wanted to be a "bro" it just never appealed to me. For more context, ive been dealing with mental health issues my entire life, and spent most of my time here on earth trying to fix it, always dealt with suicidal thoughts, bad depression, pretty debilitating anxiety, and a sea of other labels, so it made it hard to trust myself when i considered that i might be trying to fit in to the wrong label gender wise.
the last 3 years ive done alot of work and made an incredible ammount of progress with my mental health, im stable, and going to therapy and psychiatry. When i was around 17 i found alot of people in the genre of music i enjoyed and made, expressing their sexuality and gender identity, alot of people were trans, or gay, or bi, and nobody put them down for it and it allowed me space to ask myself questions like "am i attracted to other men" "is my sexuality and gender more fluid than i once thought" "do i feel more comfortable in the feminine, than masculine" and "do i enjoy feeling feminine as a man, or would i feel more comfortable not identifying as a man entirely" i had alot of answers that conflicted one another, I found myself able to kinda be attracted to specific men, but never fully pursued it, thought i was bi, i probably am but idk. I started playing with the idea of embracing feminitiy to people i felt comfortable with, i found i kind of loved it, for a little while, to my online friends i went by she/her, and some irls i brought it up but was like "but you dont have to call me that" I would order womens clothes and try them on, it gave me this warm feeling inside and i just feel good about it, but i wasent ready to commit to it, i told partners about it, and had relationships where they kinda saw me as gender fluid but not really, my current gf was cool with it, and it was nice to be able to exsist as gender fluid (not really identifying with one gender or fully doing one or the other) but that fizzled out as i became an adult, and got embarresed enough by explaining to other men my situation, so i kinda put it on the backburner, but still internally tried to hold some space for it.
fast forward to now, Ive put away that part of my for a year or two, not killing it, but more supressing it and ignoring it, its became a thing where my girlfriend sees me as a man, and is aware of my (call me whatever!) attitude, but i still have these feelings. The past year ive introduced it in bits back into my life, Sometimes when im alone i try on my girls clothes and i love it, or am insecure. Sometimes i just get this shift where my mental image of myself is very feminine, and girly, and i LOVE it, its refreshing, it feels just awesome! in these moments i act feminine, i dance around too (not that thats part of it, but i just feel so free and happy that i dance) and its all great, but its not constant, my mental image of myself changes, i go back to "normal" and go about my work and life, i will say that im still figuring my mental health out, and i do feel like something is wrong all the time, but in my moments of putting everything aside, existing as myself without much insecurity, or worrying about other peoples perception, this feeling is just SO RIGHT. I literally work in construction so haha good fuckin luck existing as a trans person there. ive had to stop painting my nails because of my job, and act more manly, and it feels repressive and i dont like it.
my question: As a community who has figured out more than i, could you help me identify what this is? because it comes and goes, maybe it would stay more if i allowed it to, but i cant figure out if im trans, or gender fluid, or this, or that, or whatever, i dont know what it is, but im defilently not like just a man, im not even despreate to force myself into a label, i just want to understand myself, and see what yalls perception is of this. Thank you!
and P.S if anyone has extra time, i might ask for help with sexuality too.