u/midnightyyy99

“you know what’s cruel?”

it’s not loving you.
it’s knowing i have to pretend i don’t.
because some feelings aren’t meant to be confessed.
they’re meant to be carried quietly until they lose their weight.
but mine never did.
i keep meeting you in ordinary moments, and somehow, they become unforgettable.
and i hate that.
because you’re just existing.
you’re laughing, talking, living your life.
and i’m here, trying to survive the gravity of a feeling that doesn’t even belong anywhere.
there’s no betrayal to blame.
no ending to mourn.
just a thousand unsaid things slowly turning into grief.
do you know what yearning feels like?
it’s grieving someone who’s still alive.
it’s missing a place you’ve never been.
it’s loving a future that was never promised to you.
and maybe that’s why this hurts so much.
there was never an “us” to lose.
yet somehow, i still feel like i’ve lost something.
maybe it was only the version of me that believed wanting something badly enough could make it stay.
or maybe it was the quiet hope i never admitted i was holding.
either way, i think i’m mourning something that never even existed.
and i don’t know if that’s the saddest part.
or if the saddest part is knowing that tomorrow, i’ll see you again…

and i’ll fall for you all over again.

august, 5:27 a.m.

i don’t think what hurts the most is not being loved back.
it’s knowing i’ll never get to love you the way i wanted to.
i keep thinking about all the little things i’ll never get to do. asking if you’ve eaten. reminding you to bring an umbrella because i know you’d forget. listening to you talk about your day, even if i’m exhausted too. making sure someone is always in your corner.
it’s strange to grieve things that never even happened.

sometimes i still catch myself asking the universe for a sign.

just one.

something so small that only my heart would notice. something that tells me, don’t give up yet. keep admiring them a little longer.
but maybe the silence is a sign too.
maybe not every unanswered prayer is asking us to wait. maybe some are gently teaching us how to let go.
still…
if the universe ever decides to be kind, i hope it lets our paths cross one more time. not to force a story that was never written, but to remind me why my heart chose you in the first place.
and if there is someone who eventually gets to stand beside you, i hope they notice when you’re pretending to be okay.
i hope they take care of you on the days you forget to take care of yourself.
i hope they love every version of you, especially the ones you think are too difficult to love.
because i wanted to do all of that.

i really did.

and maybe that’s what i’ll always carry with me.. not the heartbreak of losing you, but the quiet ache of never getting the chance to love you the way i was ready to

🤍

it’s funny how i kept telling myself i was over you. like healing was something i could just decide.

i’d walk into a room thinking, today i’ll be normal, and then i’d see you.. just existing. laughing at something i couldn’t hear, staring at your phone, lost in your own world. and somehow, that was enough.

i’d catch myself looking again, not because you were trying to be seen, but because there was something quiet about you that made everything else feel louder.
i don’t think i ever wanted anything grand. no movie scenes, no dramatic confessions. just more ordinary days with you in them.. days where i could ask if you’d eaten, know how you take your coffee, make sure you got home safely like it was something i was allowed to do.

that’s when i realized it wasn’t just a crush. it was the ache of wanting to care for someone who never asked for it.

you’ll never know how often i looked across the aisle before i even sat down, or how calm you looked when you thought no one was watching.

i hope someone notices those things about you.
i just wish, for one impossible moment, it had been me.

always,
from the other side of the aisle

i guess this is where the yearning ends.
or maybe not.
i don’t know.
it’s funny, actually. i spent so much time romanticizing the little things. the way you’d show up. the way your presence could quiet a room for me. the way i’d unconsciously look for you before i even settled in. i thought maybe… just maybe… if i stayed long enough, if i was kind enough, if i cared quietly enough, something would happen.
(it didn’t.)
and i think i finally understand that.
you were never almost mine.
i was just a girl with a crush that grew roots where it wasn’t supposed to.
it’s embarrassing to admit how much space you occupied in my head when, in reality, i probably never crossed yours for more than a passing second. i built entire conversations we’ll never have. imagined glances that probably meant nothing. replayed moments until they sounded like confessions.
they weren’t.
they were just… moments.
and maybe that’s the hardest part.
because nothing bad happened.
you didn’t break my heart.
you didn’t lead me on.
you simply… didn’t choose me.
and somehow that hurts more.
because there’s nothing to blame. no villain to hate. no dramatic ending. just the quiet realization that you will never look at me the way i looked at you.
damn.
i really wanted it to be you.
not because i knew you so deeply, but because your presence made me want to know you. made ordinary days feel a little less ordinary. it’s ridiculous how someone can become your favorite part of the day without ever trying.
i hate that.
i hate that i still look for you out of habit.
i hate that my heart still pauses for a second before my brain reminds me, oh… right.
nothing’s ever going to happen.
and maybe this is me letting go.
or maybe this is just me getting tired of carrying hope that has nowhere to go.
either way…
i think i’ll stop waiting for imaginary versions of us.
i’ll stop reading between lines that were never written.
i’ll stop convincing myself that maybe next time you’ll notice me.
because you won’t.
and that’s okay.
…or at least, it will be.
one day, your name won’t make my heart stutter.
one day, your presence will just be another presence.
one day, i’ll laugh at how intensely i felt all of this.
but tonight…
tonight, i’ll let myself grieve something that never even began.
goodbye, little crush.
thank you for making my heart feel alive for a while.
i just wish it hadn’t chosen someone who was never looking back.

🤍

Gagi.

Her smile gives me so much peace. It’s the kind of smile that makes the noise in my head disappear for a while.

Truth is, I’d love to talk to her more. Kahit simpleng hi, random conversations, or just being around her. Pero every time I get the chance, nauunahan ako ng takot. Takot na maging awkward. Takot na makaabala. Takot na baka ako lang yung gustong makilala siya.

I keep telling myself, “Next time na lang.” Hanggang sa lumipas na naman yung pagkakataon.

I’d love to treasure her. I’d love to keep her in my life for as long as He allows. Pero paano? Hindi naman pwede. So I settle for admiring her from afar, praying that she’s always happy, while I quietly carry these feelings without expecting anything in return.

Ang hirap pala when someone makes you feel at peace, yet you’re too scared to even let them know you exist.

ayyuuuun