TW brief mention of suicide

TL;DR at end of text

context: im F17, living with mom who is enmeshed with me. dad isn't present due to being abusive. i have narcolepsy (diagnosed) !!

im currently grounded at home, not allowed in my dorm room. Mom has extreme anxiety of me dying/getting myself in trouble/being alone

I am currently struggling significantly at home with my mom. My therapist has told me that I am clearly not doing well in the home environment and has recommended that I avoid being there when possible.

A major current problem is my narcolepsy and how difficult it is for me to wake up and attend school. This is not something I am choosing to do. I can sleep through alarms and have a very difficult time becoming functional in the morning. I have already been struggling with school attendance because of this.

When I fail to wake up, Mom becomes extremely stressed and has called me things such as “lazy”, "spoiled" and “a princess.” I remember her saying these things clearly, even though she now denies saying them and denies being stressed about my situation.

Mom is extremely concerned about being unable to reach me 24/7. She calls me repeatedly throughout the day when I am asleep, even when she knows that I am sleeping. She worries that I may have suddenly had a medical episode, even though I do not have a history of such, she gets angry about how much time she spent trying to reach me.

I feel that this is unfair because I cannot control being asleep. Mom is choosing how frequently and for how long she calls me, while I physically cannot answer while asleep. I understand that her concern about my safety is genuine, but her response to that concern is awful

Mom says that she has to be able to reach me because she is “responsible for me,” since there are no adults physically present at my dorm. Because of her worry about not being able to reach me, I currently cannot stay at my dorm even though being at home makes my mental state significantly worse.

I am both the source of Mom's stress and the thing responsible for reassuring her.

Being at home is seriously messing with my mental health, driving me to borderline suicidal ideation. I cannot provide her with 24/7 access to me due to my medical condition, but she is getting angry about how long she spends trying to reach me

Due to enmeshment and dissociation, i cannot tell which of my thoughts are mine and which are her words.

I cannot keep going like this for very long

TL;DR

My narcolepsy makes waking up extremely difficult, but Mom calls me lazy/a princess and blames me for it. She is extremely anxious about not being able to reach me 24/7 and repeatedly calls while I'm asleep, then gets upset about how much time she spent trying to reach me.

I've realized I've been responsible for managing her emotions for a long time. I feel like I'm simultaneously the source of her stress and the thing responsible for reassuring her. I don't think it's fair to blame me for things I can't control, like being asleep. Its seriously damaging my mental health