literally what am i meant to do [TW]
I’m 21 and 28 + 5 weeks in. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy but I’ve always wanted to be a mum and everyone around me seemed happy and supportive. I’m pro choice but I felt like I could never terminate myself. I just went ahead with it.
The nausea was immediately terrible and in the first few weeks I’d already gone to the ER a couple times because I couldn’t drink, eat or stop vomiting at all. I’m sure a lot can relate to this but they just didn’t care. Told me my baby was doing great and sent me home while I was still throwing up blood. I feel like I’m only alive because I ended up turning to weed. I’ve lost a bunch of weight and everyone’s always like “wow you look great!” no i don’t. I just look skinnier because I’m not eating. Second trimester was even harder, but I pushed through still. I was a bulimic teen and frankly I thought I was used to vomiting so it wasn’t affecting me as much.
Now it’s all starting to get to me really badly. I’m having panic attacks every time the nausea hits and it makes it so much worse. It’s gotten to the point where I just lose my mind and start screaming horrible shit because I’m so scared of vomiting. I’ll be begging my boyfriend to kill me when I wake up at 5 am feeling like I would rather stab myself than keep enduring it. I spend my days crying and both terrified of the future and desperately wanting the present to be over. I can’t go out or see anyone in this state.
I’m considering asking about getting an elective C section at 39 weeks. My body is constantly in pain because I can’t sit straight. I’m incredibly tired and weak because I keep waking up at night and my diet consists of fruit, ice lollies, cereal and yoghurt. I feel like 12-18 hours of labour would be actual torture in a body that barely functions. I can’t even raise my arms above my head without them instantly feeling heavy and tired. But hey, baby’s doing great so I guess who cares.
It’s also insane that after wanting a couple kids of my own my whole life really badly I’m now going to have to consider not having any more or adopting a second. I’m not sure i can ever do this again.
I love my daughter. I keep dreaming of kissing her little feet. I needed her badly. But honestly it’s hard to feel hope when your reality is this incredibly difficult to manage. AND IM NOT SLEEPING oh my god I feel like I need to sleep for two days straight.
I really need to know if any of you can empathise with anything that I’m saying. It’s such a lonely experience. Everyone around me thinks they could easily get through this. If I hear one more “have you tried ginger?” or another description of an average morning sickness pregnancy experience to say “it happened to me too!” I might lose it. Anyway sorry for the long rant. I genuinely want to give every single woman who’s had HG a medal and possibly a hug.