u/minniestink

I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but I still look for ways to challenge and change my behaviours. I pinpointed where some of the root feelings came from and I have noticed where I operate from that place in daily life. I believe I partly gravitate to anxious (me)/ avoidant dynamics because I can hide from myself by focusing on partners undesirable behaviour. It also means they don't truly SEE me as who I am because they need lots of space. Well you know the drill, I don't need to explain the dynamics. There's also a lot of childhood baggage but that's been dealt with in therapy.

- I take up space; an example of this is when I'm using the stretch room in the gym. I don't leave when someone else comes in. I hold my space and push through feeling uncomfortable at being "seen". Previously I wouldn't have finished what I was doing and left the room

- I committed to going to a new club or hobby regularly as possible within my schedule. This challenges the same thing as above, taking up space, being seen and being known. Familiarity can be uncomfortable for me.

-If I feel there is a conflict or issue with a friend or family member I tell them, we talk about it. This has been very successful and I no longer abandon friendships like the wind when I feel hurt/rejected.

- I have rejected plans with new friends, even when the fear part of me wanted to say yes because I was scared they'd then think I wasn't interested in friends and abandon the new connection. I don't people please to keep people around, I honour how I'm actually feeling. The right people stick around!

-Im also trying to accept and love the parts of myself that might make me seem too caring/too soft/too empathetic. I think those parts won't change and they're just part of who I am and I need to be kind to those parts rather than angry for the situations they've led me too.

Anyway I'm going to keep flexing that muscle, I'm partly interested in dating at the moment but not hugely bothered because I'm too busy! It doesn't feel like there's time. Hopefully when the right person comes a long my new learned skills will see me well.

Something I have been wondering lately is how much the way we use attachment language affects the psychology of how we view the situation.

Language is a powerful tool. I've noticed a lot of people use identity first language when talking about attachment issues. For example "my avoidant partner" "my fearful avoidant ex" or when describing them selves "I'm an AP" like it's a very fixed trait which cannot change. When the whole point of this sub is to try and change these tendencies in ourselves.

I think it's helpful to remember that these are traits and behaviours people exhibit which can change depending on their stage of life, relationship and how much "work" they've done. I know language may seem like an insignificant thing but it can really shape the way we talk and think about other people.

Thats just something that I have been thinking about lately...

I have just spent some time with a friend, he's quite an anxious guy (not towards me just a general anxiety), however I've just realised that I have a very low tolerance for being around him when he's on edge now.

I've delved a little deeper and I think it's from my relationship with my last partner and being hypervigilant around her anxiety/meltdowns etc. just had a little cry about the revelation.

I just messaged my friend to check there wasn't anything I had done or we need to to hash out. And he just explained it was him and not me. So my question is:

I do not want to avoid him, would everyone recommend that in that moment I focus on some grounding techniques? I feel the answer is yes but I wanted to give it some thought.

What I don't want to do is overly accommodate him, try and fix it or avoid him. I just want to be there and he can exist in his anxiety and I can be being me...so to speak 😅