Resentment and feeling righteous
I'm struggling lately with a friend. Honestly I've chalked it up to a lost friendship already, but just lately I've come to realize that what I'm feeling is resentment.
And the hardest part of it all is that I keep feeling righteous about it, and it makes me sad that I feel this way.
Because I'm sure that's not the truth, I'm also at fault for not communicating my feelings. I could make up excuses to why I haven't done it, that I'm very slow to process my emotions and lose the timing to say: "hey, that actually hurt me even though when it happened I said it didn't."
But it's not my friend's fault that I didn't do my part of telling her what bothers me. There's a firm voice in my head that tells me that she knows and that she doesn't care.
One example:
We're roommates and I traveled to my hometown for a couple of weeks. She told me her brother was coming over and asked if he could sleep in my bed. I said of course he could. I organized my stuff so he would have space to put his things, left my work desk empty because I knew he worked from home and could use the space. He was still going to be over by the time I got back, I was getting back at 11am, from a red eye flight.
Since I got on the flight I was texting my friend my whereabouts, so she would know exactly when I would arrive. She answered my texts, so I knew she knew when I was getting back.
When I got home the entire house was a mess, but that was kinda expected even if surprising by the wreck it was, her brother was still in my bedroom, my shoe rack had fallen over and all my shoes were strewn on the floor. The sheets on my bed wasn't changed - her brother had just woken up when I walked in. It was such a tiring flight overall and I had to clean my room and pick up my stuff before I could even lay down to rest. I felt so sad at that time, like I was worth absolutely nothing to her.
And here's where my righteousness comes in: I feel like it's a given to borrow a room and give it back in the same condition it was. (A bit more context: this was my first long trip in two years living together. She travels a lot, though. And every time she arrives I make sure the house is clean, sometimes I even asked her she wanted me to change her bedsheets because her pets got their fur all over it.)
I know it's still something I *SHOULD* have talked to her about. I was so hurt by it that I've decided by myself that she didn't do it intentionally, that she just didn't care about it as much as I did because I'm too sensitive and uptight. I blamed myself and now I feel resentment towards her. I know rationally that it's not her fault that I failed to communicate throughout our friendship, but it's so hard do shake up the feeling that she could have done more for
me.
I feel like I don't want to try to fix our relationship, I'm so detached from her lately and I'm planning on moving out soon. I've told her that but kept my motives secret. I still feel this immense fondness towards her, but right now my anger is so raw that I can't even begin to be charitable to her anymore. I feel annoyed by her presence and that makes me feel like such a mean person. I feel like I should try to fix this, but this feeling of righteousness makes me think I'm being a pushover by granting her any grace whatsoever.
Have you guys ever dealt with something like this?