6 months postpartum and my partner says I need to invite his mom over to help with her depression
I’m 6 months postpartum and struggling with how to navigate the situation with my partner’s family.
We see my family about once a week, either at their house or they come to ours. My partner’s parents, on the other hand, have only been to our house once even though they live literally three blocks away.
I don’t really like bringing our baby to their house. They have three dogs that I’m not comfortable having around him, and they smoke cigarettes in the house. His mom says she won’t smoke while the baby is there, but that doesn’t change the fact that the house itself is full of cigarette smoke/residue and generally isn’t somewhere I’m comfortable bringing him.
When our baby was about a month old, we made plans for his parents to come visit us. We waited around all day and they never came. I texted his mom and suggested she come the next day instead. Same thing happened. Eventually I just stopped trying.
They’re the type of people who constantly make plans and don’t follow through. Apparently I’m supposed to just “get over it” because they’re more spontaneous and “go with the flow.” But I don’t think it should be my responsibility to chase grown adults down and make sure they have a relationship with their grandchild.
I’ve specifically told his mom, “Just text me if you want to come visit.” She knows she’s welcome to reach out. I’m not keeping the baby from her or telling her she can’t come over.
What makes this especially frustrating is that she has no problem going to the bar half a block away from our house to play the slot machines, but somehow making the extra effort to come to our house and see her grandson doesn’t happen. If she can make the effort to go there, I don’t understand why it’s suddenly my responsibility to arrange visits for her.
There’s another layer to this. His mom has talked to us about her marriage and how badly her husband treats her, including physical abuse. I have my own history of being in an abusive relationship, and I’ve told my partner before that I cannot be his mother’s counsellor. Hearing those details is difficult for me, especially when they’re still together. I think she needs support from a professional rather than relying on me for emotional support.
Now my partner is telling me that I should invite his mom over more because she’s depressed and spending time with me and the baby would apparently help her.
I’m sorry, but I’m six months postpartum, taking care of a baby and dealing with my own emotions and responsibilities. I don’t feel like it should also be my responsibility to manage his mom’s depression or make sure she gets out of the house. If she wants to see her grandson, she can literally text me and ask to come over. I’ve already told her that.
What’s really bothering me is that my partner is starting to make this feel like it’s somehow my fault that his mom doesn’t see our baby more. From my perspective, the door is open. I’ve just stopped chasing someone who repeatedly makes plans and doesn’t follow through.
Am I being unreasonable? How would you navigate this with your partner? I don’t want to prevent his family from having a relationship with our son, but I also don’t think I should be responsible for maintaining that relationship or managing his mom’s mental health.