u/morsmoon13

Have you guys noticed how avoidants always seem to develop FOMO the second they actually get with you?

At first, when they’re trying to win you over, it’s aaaaaall about:
“I’m tired of meaningless connections.”
“I just want something real.”
“I want commitment and emotional depth.”

And the moment you finally lower your guard, trust them, and get into the relationship…suddenly they’re confused ???? Suddenly commitment feels “too much.”…Suddenly they’re wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else and acting like they’re missing out on other experiences….

Like… weren’t you the one talking about wanting ONE meaningful connection literally two weeks ago?

How did we go from “I want something serious” to an existential crisis over commitment overnight? Is this why they simply cannot stop emotionally cheating and flirting with other people???

One of the most traumatizing and baffling things about being in a relationship with a severely avoidant person who's about to discard you is how mean they can suddenly become out of nowhere. they spend weeks or months love bombing you, showering you with affection, trying to earn your trust, making you feel safe, and getting you emotionally invested, only to do a complete 180 and make you feel like absolute trash

Even though I’ve been doing much better after the breakup, today I had a lot of flashbacks about things my ex said during the last three weeks of our relationship. looking back now, it genuinely felt like this person had already decided they wanted out and started hurting me to create distance and push me away and it was so so unfair!!!!!

I went from hearing, "You're one of the most interesting people I know" to suddenly hearing, "god you're so boring and predictable."

Or I remember when we were out together and I was being affectionate and playful in a flirty way because we were a couple, and that's what healthy couples do !!!!!!! I remember trying to kiss them, joke around, and be close to them, only for them to stare lustfully at other girls while calling me "easy" for wanting affection from my own partner. meanwhile, just a few weeks earlier they were all over me, promising me the world.

And suddenly they started getting irritated with me over the smallest things, things they had literally liked about me days before!

One memory that especially hurts is when we were talking about sexual things I wasn't ready for yet because of my past sexual trauma. they knew about my trauma. they knew intimacy and sex were difficult subjects for me. And yet I still remember them calling me "boring" and mocking me

Boring. While knowing exactly why I had fears and boundaries around intimacy.

It's like I was dating a completely different person. They went from being one of the most loving, present, affectionate people in my life to becoming my biggest hater in the span of a few weeks.

And that's the part that messes with your head the most. Not just losing them....but trying to understand how someone can transform so quickly that you start wondering whether the loving version or the cruel version was ever real at all.

I'm so glad I got away. but goddamn it still hurts!

I recently broke up with my avoidant ex and joined this subreddit and honestly, reading all of your posts has been helping me cope more than you know.

The more stories I read here the more I realize how many genuinely kind, emotionally aware, loving people are in this community. So many of you have such deep levels of self awareness, empathy, emotional intelligence, patience, and capacity for love. And while I know heartbreak can make us question our worth, I truly hope you all realize this:

Your exes were lucky to have you....they really were. And they fumbled you.

I know we’re all hurting in different ways right now...some of us are angry, some confused, some grieving the future we imagined with them. But despite the pain, there’s something beautiful about the fact that we’re still capable of caring deeply and we’re brave enough to sit with our emotions instead of running from them. we’re trying to heal, reflect, grow, and understand ourselves better instead of avoiding everything we feel and that freaking matters!!!

And while avoidant people often struggle to face intimacy, vulnerability, or emotional accountability, that does not make us “too much” for wanting consistency communication, reassurance and emotional closeness. Those are normal human needs in a relationship.

We all deserve relationships where love feels safe, mutual, emotionally available, and stable!!!!!!! not confusing, hot and cold or emotionally starving.

So if you’re heartbroken right now pleaseeee remember this: their inability to show up properly does not diminish your value. Being loving is not a weakness. Caring deeply is not embarrassing. Wanting connection is not “needy.”

We are also free. Free from constantly second guessing ourselves, chasing reassurance, overanalyzing mixed signals, and begging for the bare minimum.

And one day, I genuinely believe we’ll find people who can love us the way we deserve to be loved.

We all deserve so much better. And may we find it.

I’m actually proud of myself because they discarded me a few months ago, came back, and I gave them one (1) chance. But the moment I noticed the same patterns creeping back in.... the distancing, inconsistency, and shitty behavior slowly triggering my old anxious habits again I pulled the Uno reverse and ended it myself.

I’ve spent years trying to heal my anxious attachment, and over the past few years I’ve worked really hard to become more secure. So the second I realized this relationship was dragging me back into a version of myself I fought hard to outgrow I was like "noooope. access denied"

And honestly? That decision hurt more than people think. My friends assume that because I was the one who left, it must’ve been easy. But leaving someone you care for, even when you know it’s the right choice, can be just as painful and traumatizing. Sometimes being the one who walks away means choosing yourself while your heart is still attached. It means grieving the potential, the memories, and the version of the relationship you hoped would finally become healthy.

Leaving cost me a lot emotionally, but staying would’ve cost me my peace, my sanity, and all the character development I worked so hard for.

Anyone else go through something similar? and if so, how are you handling it now?

I’m curious to hear from people who have experienced the “slow fade” from an avoidant ex partner. I don’t mean the actual discard, I mean that gradual emotional withdrawal where you can feel them slipping away long before things officially end....

What were the specific signs for you? At what point did you realize it was a slow fade and not just a rough patch?

And most importantly: how did you deal with it emotionally afterward and how did you stop overanalyzing everything, blaming yourself, or hoping they’d suddenly come back emotionally available?

I think one of the hardest parts of the slow fade is that there’s rarely a clean break at first. It’s confusing because the person is still technically there, but the warmth, consistency, and emotional presence slowly disappear. It can make you question your worth, your perception, and whether you were “asking for too much” when really you just wanted reciprocity and reassurance.aAnd when you try to hold them accountable they just make you feel crazy "it's all in your head" "stop being so sensitive" "I don't know what you're talking about"...seriously messed up..

Would really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences, coping mechanisms, or even lessons you learned from it....

My avoidant ex has had a lot of exes, some long term, some shortterm relationships. They were even in a relationship for 9 whole years, and with some of their other exes, things lasted 1 to 1.5 years. But with me, even though they told me I see them like no one else does, that I truly understand and care for them, we couldn’t even make it past 5 months?????

After we were officially together for just one month, they suddenly broke up with me because they felt like “I deserve better” that they “can’t truly commit” and that everything felt “too real. They just left.

Then, two days later, they came back saying it was a stupid impulsive decision and that they wanted to try again and go “all in” because they felt we had something real. But even after getting back together, they didn’t last long before slowly fading away again. A month later I could already feel them deactivate emotionally for the second time.

They kept telling me this was their “second healthy relationship” how much they liked me, how good I was for them, and how I truly “saw” them. But within only 4 months, they deactivated twice already.

I don’t understand how they could stay for years with previous partners, but with me they did me dirty twice in such a short amount of time. At first, they kept telling me I was good for them, that I treated them well, and that they liked me too much. I genuinely don’t understand what I did wrong.

I ended up breaking up with them since I noticed that they were far gone and deactivated once again in such a short time. I just don't understand why...

Anyone else notice how lustful avoidants can be? My ex had wandering eyes every time we went out and seemed to want to flirt with everyone. Their excuse was that they were “non-monogamous” (which is a whole other topic I’ll probably make another post about), but honestly, they made me feel so bad every time they openly lusted over other people while we were together.

My ex also didn’t believe emotional cheating exists. They told me that as long as they didn’t physically do something with someone else, it wasn’t cheating and was completely normal even though they had agreed to be in a committed monogamous relationship with me. They completely messed up with my confidence even though I was very confident as a person before meeting them. It's the way that at first they make you feel like you're the only person in the world that matters to them and the moment they have you, suddenly they want to look and flirt with other people......

Has anyone else had similar experiences with their avoidant exes?