Unraveling
Been married for a long time. My husband checked out 5 yrs ago. His job took him mentally. Our relationship is not what it used to be. I’ve been so lonely and feeling unseen in our marriage. I thought I could tough it out, but I feel my flame for him has gone out. Especially over time when he didn’t want to spend time with me, he would get agitated if our coffee dates went too long. He’s recently come back 8 months ago saying let’s go out on a weekly date. That’s nice, but like I said how do you push through when the flame has died. Plus I can’t relax, that feeling of he’s going to get upset because our date went too long. He wants me to be a trad wife. I am more like trad wife lite but not deep trad. At church I feel dead inside bc now I go to appease him (I used to go for me, I had personal relationship with Christ, I still do but this burn out of performative behavior has cleaned my clock)
He is harsh and doesn’t value my opinion. I have held back so many words. I love him and hate him.
I feel isolated, I work remote. I make male and female friends via Reddit over shared interests. A few days ago I met a dude over my fav band and had great talks with him, he was engaged with me, asking me questions, I now fear I’ve gone limerant over him. And funnily enough he ghosted me today and I feel sick, I didn’t set out to have feelings for this random internet man and before you scream at me how evil I am I’m just stating how I got here. I now realize how deep the hole is and how vulnerable I am to this man’s short lived attention (it made me feel seen, it made me feel like a person) because of what I’m lacking and I have to be a big girl and cut off contact should he message again, bc now it’s an intentional choice to be a girl with shitty integrity.
I have adhd and autism but when I struggle with things and use those words, I’m not allowed to bc those things are not real according to my husband. He is emotionally unavailable and avoidant and he has adhd and I wonder if autistic as well. There have been times where I’ve told my husband I’m starving. He just stands there. No discussion. The words don’t even exist. I feel like I’m going crazy. Do I even exist?