u/mushroomsandcoke

Last night my coworker’s family came in late to pre-game for his birthday and his one brother was being a complete ass. Comes into the place already in a mood and fighting with his family. Most bizarre encounter I’ve had in awhile. I wrote it into a scene.

Cast of characters:

Me: Bartender
Izzy: Coworker, birthday boy
Paul: Coworker’s nice brother, super funny, we love him
Donnie: Coworker’s other brother
Tony: Other co-worker

Me: Hey, you need anything?
Donnie: No, I’m not drinking. I just want club soda and cranberry.
Me: Just club soda and a splash of cranberry?
Donnie: Yeah.

[I fill a cup up with ice]

Donnie: Woah! Why are you using so much fucking ice?
Tony: Just say “light ice,” dude.
Donnie: Light ice!

Me: No biggie!

[Dumping out half the ice, filling the cup with club soda and a splash of cranberry]

Donnie: What the fuck is that?
Me: Club soda and cranberry?
Donnie: I need more cranberry.

[Fixing drink]

Me: Let me get you a straw, I put the caddy away.
Donnie: Where’s my straw?

[Grabs Donnie his fucking straw]

Me: Do you want a lime or anything with that?
Donnie: I want five limes.
Me: No problem!

[Starts rimming glass with limes, Donnie knocks them into the cup aggressively and goes to sit at the bar and drink his club soda]

Paul, singing: I wanna lick some pussy, I wanna eat some ass, I wanna suck some tits! I wanna-

[I’m cackling, I love Paul]

Paul: I’m sorry you had to hear that!

Donnie: Can I get another but I want club soda this time.
Me: Just club soda?
Donnie: No, you’re not understanding what I’m saying. Bring your ingredients here so I can show you.

Izzy: Are you getting liquor?
Donnie: No, just club soda but she doesn’t know what she’s doing. It’s sprite, cranberry, and water.

Izzy: —-
Me: But he never said Sprite.
Izzy: —-

Me: And I can’t bring over the ingredients, they’re on a gun.
Donnie: I’ll show you on the glass. You fill it up to here [1/3rd] with Sprite. Then to here [another 1/3rd] with cranberry. Then you top it off with water.
Me: Club soda or flat water?
Donnie: Wa-ter.
Me: Okay, just so you know, club soda is sparkling water.
Donnie: I know that. But I want a club soda.
Me: …but by club soda you mean—
Donnie: Sprite and cranberry juice.
Me: …and flat water?
Donnie: IT’S A CLUB SODA. Yes, flat water!
Me: …
Me: I’m gonna make you what I think you mean and then I’m gonna go do side work so I hope you like it.

[End scene]

Just for context, this family has a history of coming up with their own drinks with normal names that mean something completely different and then acting like it’s a drink known to every bar in the world. Holy god.