u/musiclover0307

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only reason I'm alive is because every suicide attempt I had was a failure, and at some point I felt like I should give up on that too, even tho I want it every second, I want to rip my heart out, gauge my eyeballs. Dig under my skin. But I guess I can't.. I don't really have much hope left in me, but maybe it'll get better, maybe I'll be better to myself, and maybe life will feel easier.. maybe I'll be able to find the right person to complete me, the one that fixes all my flaws.. the one that accepts me when i can't accept myself.

But isn't that unrealistic? And isn't that such a huge burden? I don't wanna be a burden.. but I don't know anymore. I wish I could figure myself out.

يعني مش عارف بالنسبة الي ما عمري حسيت اني جد بكره حدا، حتى الحب بكون شعور لحظي، الحدا الوحيد الي دائما بكره هو انا، مع انه في اوقات بكون ببرر لحالي فيها وبدافع عن حالي بس الكره أقوى

I want my soul crushed, kneaded and cooked.

I've never liked life, ever since I was a kid. Was always too self aware and would overthink everything and spend my nights thinking and tearing up. I've had attempts as early as 6 years old, and I've never really valued my life much. And over the past two years, it's only gotten worse, worse than ever. And the serious attempts started, but somewhere in my mind, I had hope, I had the will to seek help and try and get better. But somewhere along the way, I lost it, I've held on for too long, and I really don't have anything holding me back from committing other than the physical difficulty of it. The last time I was standing with the noose around my neck, the time I actually prepared everything and was ready to go, I couldn't do it, I just stood there shaking, with it tight around my neck, just thinking "is this it?" . It was a weird experience, my life flashed before my eyes, even tho I didn't die, but I did see a lot of memories and moments I don't think about often.

I really don't have a reason or intent to get better or seek help, or even hope to change, I'm still the same, and I really just wish i could die.. i don't know anymore.. I've never tried therapy, it's not that accessible where i live and it's pretty pricey, and i don't think it can help me to be frank. And even if it did I'm not willing to burden anyone with the price of it.

If you have any questions ask away, I'll answer them all I don't mind.

This post might get taken down, after all it doesn't really hold much value, and the same can be said about my existence. But oh well..