My (32M) wife (32F) refuses to see my pregnant sister (29F) after pregnancy loss
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I'm (32M) looking for advice about my relationship with my wife (32F).
She has PCOS and we have been trying to conceive for 2 years, we are doing IVF. She fell pregnant twice. The first time the baby had a rare congenital abnormality incompatible with life and we proceeded with a termination at 13 weeks. The second time she became pregnant it ended with a spontaneous miscarriage at 6 weeks.
It feels like everyone around us is at the stage of starting a family and many colleagues and friends are having children. When we got through the end of the first trimester for the first pregnancy we announced to family and friends about the pregnancy which unfortunately ended. My wife felt 'embarrassed' afterwards.
Since the first pregnancy loss my wife has found exposure to any pregnant women very triggering. We have been at a party with friends previously and my wife had to immediately leave the party in tears when one of our friends announced their pregnancy at the event.
About 3 months ago my sister (29F) privately messaged us very sensitively that she had fallen pregnant. This news made my wife extremely upset. She feels that it was 'her turn' to fall pregnant first, feels that my sister was 'dishonest' about trying for a baby when she was asking her about her family plans previously. She feels she is a direct comparison to her and is jealous of how 'easy' it was for her to fall pregnant (we don't know how long they had been trying). She is currently about 6 months pregnant.
My wife has made a strict rule about not seeing my sister at all which my sister is aware of and has been quietly avoiding her. My wife has made some troubling comments that she wishes my sister has a miscarriage.
This has created issues for me as my wife is usually with me and that I have not seen my sister in months. My family including my parents, aunts and grandparents now co-ordinate events so that my sister and my wife are not at the same event. My sister has been excluded from some gatherings because of this. I am also very close to my family and we usually see each other once a week. Her mother (56F) lives with us in a granny flat.
My wife has spoken to the IVF service counsellor but didn't find it helpful. I have encouraged her to see a clinical psychologist which she has started to see and finds helpful but her behaviour, wishes and rules have not changed.
I feel very conflicted because my wife is obviously traumatised by her experiences, and I am very upset about our fertility issues as well. I want to support her through this. At the same time this reaction seems abnormal or maladaptive.
I feel sorry for my sister as this is her first child, she has not done anything wrong and is now being excluded from family events where she is present, where previously we would all be together. The situation has cast a dark cloud over her pregnancy.
My wife has 'allowed' me to see my sister without her a few times but she doesn't like me to do it. She has 'allowed' me to attend my sister's baby shower after initially asking me not to go. She has asked me to skip my family's Christmas to avoid seeing my sister and new baby which we normally attend every year and bring along my mother in law.
She said she would only be comfortable to see my sister again when she has given birth and has a baby in her arms (which I hope will happen but is not guaranteed)
Any advice for what to do in this situation?
TL;DR My (32M) wife (32F) refuses to see my pregnant sister (29F) after fertility issues, IVF and 2 pregnancy losses. My family is having to co-ordinate to keep them separate when previously we would all see each other every week. Feeling torn between supporting my traumatised wife and feeling this is abnormal. I feel sorry for my sister and her pregnancy which should be celebrated.