Am I on the aromantic spectrum, or is this a trauma response? Looking for insight
I’ve been reading a lot about amatonormativity and the aro spectrum lately, and I’m trying to make sense of my own experience. I wanted to share my story to see if anyone relates or can offer some insight.
I’m 24F, and for several years now, I’ve felt completely unable to fall in love. I don't recall what that feeling even pixels like anymore. I am 100% sure I am not asexual, but when it comes to romance, I feel totally frozen and distant.
Looking back, my past formal relationships never started out of a genuine romantic desire; they happened purely out of opportunity or physical attraction. My last relationship ended terribly—I was deeply humiliated, and the guy actually ended up in jail just days after we broke up.
After that shock, I completely shut down emotionally. I spent a long time having casual hookups, and I used to get genuinely angry if any guy tried to talk about "feelings." For me, sex is just a physical human need, an exercise that requires zero emotional commitment.
Here is the twist: I love romance in fiction. I am obsessed with reading fanfics and shipping my favorite characters. I love the butterflies, the kissing, the hand-holding, and seeing them get together. But the moment I try to visualize myself in that situation with a real person, the feeling instantly vanishes. I freeze, and it feels invasive, fake, and exhausting. I read about Aegoromanticism, and it kinda resonated with me.
Right now, I am completely at peace being single. I don't feel like I need a boyfriend to complete me, and honestly, the daily logistics of a relationship (talking 24/7, being sweet, giving so much of myself) sound incredibly draining. However, my mom constantly pushes amatonormativity on me, projecting her own fears about me being alone in the future, which is exhausting.
I recently found the term Caedromantic (someone who used to experience romantic attraction but lost it due to trauma/bad experiences). Right now, the way I experience the world feels exactly like being aromantic, but I don't know if I "became" aro as a defense mechanism or if I always leaned this way and society just forced me into standard relationships before.
Does anyone else experience romance strictly through fiction but feel completely cold to it in real life? Can you identify as aromantic if it started after a bad experience? Idk if there's something wrong with be regarding this topic. I'm new to this.