temptation strengthens its hold… day 63
hey everyone. i’m (26 NB) just over 2 months sober after daily use for the past 6 or so years, and i can feel myself slipping up today.
the source of my temptation is stupid, really— i recently moved in with my dad and step mom, and they are gone on a camping trip until tomorrow night. my dad is a lifelong stoner— got me into weed to begin with— and i know where he keeps his stash. today is the only day i can use his weed without anyone knowing. this is also the last camping trip they’re planning for this year, so it really feels like my last chance.
yesterday i talked myself out of it by realizing that if I used yesterday (the day they left on their trip), i don’t think i’d be able to stop myself from using it again today. but, with them returning tomorrow, i think the shame of having to ask my dad permission to use would keep me from wanting to use it again (i refuse to buy anything for myself at least). this embarrassment has kept me from using the entire two months i’ve lived here.
if i think about why i want to use it, the main reason situationally is that this is my only chance, while internally i’m bored, really. i’m kind of agoraphobic, socially anxious and introverted, and i don’t really like leaving the house much. i’m also unemployed since a week ago, having quit my job bc of burnout and insecurity. i’ve been focusing on my creative writing project lately— my main hobby. maybe it’s just not stimulating enough to stave off the boredom, idk. there’s a video game i want to try, but i don’t think i could handle playing it while high, and the same goes for writing, but smoking right now just seems much more appealing.
part of me also just wants to try it again, to find out for sure that it won’t be as good as i remember, which i think could even help me stay sober going forward. but of course, this is also the devil on my shoulder speaking. there are times when i’ve felt much worse in the past 2 months (depressed, suicidal ideation) and i managed to push through and not relapse then, but i guess the ease of access i have right now is a more dangerous trigger for me. but i still feel ashamed knowing that i’ve resisted temptation in much worse mental states…
idk what can keep me from relapsing right now. i know recovery is not a straight line (i’ve been sober before and fell back into the habit after only a few months into it) and i’ve heard that slipping is part of the recovery process, but i’m also sick of weed having such a grip over my thoughts. its just sad.
idk. any advice is appreciated. thank you for reading.