How to help partner with BPD and codependency when I'm not there
Hi, I've already posted this to r/BPD so ignore that please.
My girlfriend has BPD (+GAD, AuDHD (, and it's something we've talked about a lot even before we were in a relationship as I also have a few disorders (osdd, CPTSD, AuDHD, depression + GAD) and we wanted to both make each other aware of challenges that will come up because of them, however this is one I'm struggling to navigate for the both of us. It's exam season right now in both of our schools and I disclosed weeks before the exams that it'll probably mean I won't be around as much to hang out with her as I'll be exhausted and my FND will flare up due to stress, but she has been struggling with lessening how much we hang out. Before the exams we'd hang out practically every day; after school and on weekends, which worked well for the both of us as it doesn't at all take a toll on me energy wise and I love hanging out with her; same goes for her, but exams have been killing me and I need to prioritise revising nonetheless, which I'm very bad at getting distracted from when around other people. She struggles when we cant hang out and has told me before that it's not the same when she hangs out with other people and I'm not there, and she doesn't get the same things from it. (She loves her friends a lot and I know she's not diminishing them; I understand what she means as I think I'm her FP, which I'm trying to help her deal with because I don't want to hurt her by being her FP)
It kills me to have to repeatedly tell her that we can't hang out the few times I have to, and I don't no what to do to help her. I don't want to hurt her or trigger an episode/cause her to spiral by not being there but I also am trying to prioritise myself and my energy levels with exams as I deal with accepting I have FND and how it disables me. I approach things very logically, which has helped her with other things in the past as I do my best to try and rationalise obstacles and help break things we come across down into parts easier to swallow and evaluate, but I know that it's not always helpful when the disorder she has is inheritantly irrational (not invalidating it as I know what it makes her feel is incredibly real), and this is so emotionally triggering for her.
Any advice is very very welcome. Sorry this is so ramble-y. Thank you