I let my depression ruin a really good life.
Last year I was living in a beautiful city with my spouse and our pets. I had a part-time job that, at the time, bothered me because it wasn't in my field, but objectively looking back it was very chill and not a bad job at all. My spouse was okay with me being part-time so having all the extra time was amazing.
During this time I was very depressed, and not for any large life event or anything, but I think I was generally unhappy because of how I approached things internally, and I fixated on the idea that where I lived and not working in my field was the cause for my unhappiness, rather than my own attitude. I did not appreciate where I was living and frequently compared it to somewhere else I had lived in the past. My depression and poor-emotional regulation also caused a lot of strain between my spouse and I, to the point where I'm not even sure if our relationship is over yet.
We started living separately and I lost my job and I had to move back in with family in another state which I like a lot less. We talk, but I'm not sure where things are going (he doesn't want to move back with me). I had to leave my pets behind as well because they couldn't be taken on the plane.
Now I am feeling *even more* depressed because my life is objectively worse now. I am upset that I was so depressed then when things were objectively so good and I let myself "ruin it." I also feel like, "If only I'd gotten help sooner, like DBT, I could have avoided this."
I got really triggered because I was reading old messages with my spouse where I was coming home from visiting my mom's state and he said, "Are you excited to be back? :D" and I said, "I'm not looking forward to returning to my depression den - that's what I associate our apartment with."
Well, now I live alone , I'm unemployed, and we might get divorced, so things are a lot worse. My "depression den" was a beautiful apartment in a gorgeous neighborhood with the love of my life and my two beautiful pets, and now I wish I had appreciated what I had when I was there. I've been crying everyday for months.
edit: wow! thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful replies ❤️ It means a LOT to me. I will reply to everyone individually when I have access to my laptop again and am home.