I am so tired of all of this. I don’t want to live anymore. I am soo hurt and nothing heals the wound. I want to die. I hate schizophrenia. I had such a high in psychosis that i was feeling so good now everything is crashing down on me. Nothing helps no medicine can heal this. I am so deep in depression. Please just let me die.
I used to take Clozapine 200mg then quit it because everything felt empty and i was sleeping so much. Now i take it again 100mg because the voices got a little too loud and i was psychotic and i have the same problem. I don’t want months of emptiness. I can’t stand the quietness. I only feel safe in chaos. I miss my psychosis because everything was so colorful and had meaning but it led me to suicide.Now everything is so grey. I would rather experience psychosis than this emptiness. I also take Amisulpride 600mg but that doesn’t get rid of my symptoms. I sleep now 12+ hours a day and feel so unmotivated. Could this be depression or just side effects from Clozapine? I really can’t stand this and i‘m looking desperately for a different option. I was ob Aripiprazole, Olanzapine, Reagila, and some others for sleep and for short term. I hate this so much. I want my colorful world back. I want to communicate with the birds again. That is the problem I like psychosis. I know i shouldn’t because it’s dangerous but i like it. It’s total chaos and everything has a meaning and it feels like magic.
As the day goes on i get flooded with thoughts „do this or that happens“. Also i hear voices in my head commenting what i do. Is this normal with schizophrenia? It’s really annoying because there are so many thoughts i can’t handle them sometimes i only have these kind of thoughts and nothing else is on my mind. I‘m gonna discuss this tomorrow with my psychiatrist but i just wanted to know if people understand.