u/nextsidemirrorfreak

It's been 6 days since my baby passed and I am not coping well. It is manifesting physically where I would get panic attacks an my head and face feels tingly and numb like I am about to constantly pass out. Only relief is by crying but there are times where I could not and would just sit on this heaviness and pain. I feel like I am sick. We will be picking up her ashes later and I fear for my response.

does it ever get better? How did you cope?

It’s funny calling her “my dog” because she was originally my boyfriend’s sister’s dog, a 10-year-old female shih tzu. I met her when she was 4 as their family dog. She was the welcoming committee the first time I met his family, and I loved her right away. We would bring her on dates and to my house all the time.

When my boyfriend and I moved to the city, her care back home changed, so we made the effort to bring her to live with us. That’s when she officially became our baby.

She was already 8 then, but living with us brought out a whole new side of her. My boyfriend thought she was too old to potty train, learn tricks, or enjoy toys, but she proved us wrong every time. She was so smart, playful, expressive, and full of personality. It really felt like once she lived with us, her whole nervous system relaxed and she finally got to be carefree and babied in a way no one had seen before.

Friends and family noticed the change too. She became even more playful, adorable, and full of quirks. We gave her the best life we could. Daily walks, quality food and treats, regular vet care, mall trips which were her absolute favorite, and even airplane rides. She lived in a beautiful walkable neighborhood in the city and got to come with us almost everywhere.

Honestly, I was so content in life just knowing we had her. We even put future travel and moving abroad plans on hold because we wanted to spend the rest of our 20s with her, knowing she was a senior but still had so much life left. We were even planning to buy a car soon mostly so we could take her on road trips.

Earlier this year, she was diagnosed with heartworm after a dewormer switch we didn’t realize lacked heartworm protection because the vet didn't inform us. We felt awful but got her treated right away (switched vet) through a slow-kill approach, and she had been doing so well back to her puppy-like self (been on medication for 3 months).

One Thursday, she seemed completely normal and active. We were careful with her because of her heartworm and usually only took her on slow walks to the park for her potty breaks, but that Thursday we decided to bring her with us to the nearest grocery store instead. We let her do her business on the sidewalk nearby and everything seemed totally fine. She was her normal self the whole day.

The next morning, we woke up to her sitting in a pool of pee and poop. Her stool was semi-solid, but we knew something was very wrong and rushed her to the vet immediately, hoping we caught it in time. She was diagnosed with HGE/AHDS. Everything happened so fast after that. She eventually collapsed and passed away within hours.

The vet said she may have picked something up outside, possibly from sniffing during walks or from that grocery trip area. We always let her sniff because we thought it made dogs happier and gave them enrichment, and we never knew something as normal as that could carry this kind of risk. Her existing heartworm made it even harder for her body to survive everything. Within just a few hours, she was gone.

It feels like she was stolen from us. She still had so much life in her.

I can’t stop replaying everything and wondering what we could have done differently. My boyfriend loved her deeply. She was literally his emotional support animal after losing their other family dogs. Somehow, I’m the one who completely shattered. I cried like a mother who lost a child and a home all at once. I didn’t expect grief to hit me this hard.

Now every morning feels empty and unbearable. My chest hurts constantly, and I get panic attacks that make me feel like I’m dying with her.

I just keep asking if this will ever get easier, because right now I don’t want to exist in a reality where she’s gone. My partner is my anchor- I feel guilty because we're both grieving but he had to be the one to comfort me most of the time even though he was the one who had her for 10 years.