Working the 4th step as an Autistic person
I have always had a hard time putting my feelings into words. Like it says in It Works (translated from Swedish) “Rather than panic about what we feel, we can more precisely say how we feel. This helps us get away from the limited “good” or “bad” without everything in between”.
Step 4 has so far really helped me understand feelings more. I can identify the difference between guilt and shame. I have recognised that I actually have a lot of suppressed anger inside me (something I used to just put under the umbrella term “upset”).
But it has been really, really difficult. I so often want to just write “good” or “bad” because that’s mostly how I’ve idenitified feelings.
As a child I had Alexitymia. My abusive dad made me feel “bad”, not afraid or unloved or neglected. Going to my best friend’s house felt “good”, not exciting or fun. I got help with it from a doctor, and learned to identify more feelings. They also said it was normal for children with autism, that I need to keep practicing naming my feelings but that I’ll likely grow out of it. But I don’t think I fully grew out of it. I often find myself crying, my partner will hold me and asks whats wrong. I can’t tell him. I just know I feel bad. So I either say just that, or go silent.
I can identify a few more feelings now; “good, bad, upset, excited, sad, frustrated”. But realising i’ve felt hurt, I’ve felt angry, I’ve felt abandoned is so confusing.
Idk, started using at 17 to make the “bad” and “upset” feelings go away. Now the “bad” feelings are back.
That’s been my experience as someone with autism. I’m just sitting here staring at “how do I identify my individual feelings?” because I truly don’t know. The list is going to be so difficult too, because I don’t know what feeling something triggered. I’ve written down a situation and all I can think of is “upset”.
So, fellow autistic people, what has your experiences been like?