Problematic younger brother
I just found this community and I wanted to share my story. It seems like it isn't as severe as many of the stories I've read here, but I do still feel like it has had a pretty strong impact on me.
I'm the older sibling with 1 younger brother. Ever since I can remember, my brother made my home life very difficult. I was never made aware of any diagnosis of anything he had, but given what I know now, I think it was likely oppositional defiant disorder and/or intermittent explosive disorder. In contrast, I was a mostly quite well behaved kid, but I am now realizing in my late 20s that I am neurodivergent myself, which of course was not picked up on when comparing me to my brother.
Doing absolutely anything was a fight. Nothing was easy with him, and I was just so tired of the fighting. I learned all of his triggers, what exactly I needed to do to appease him, and really understood what he was feeling better than anyone else. I wasn't doing this for him, or even for me. I was doing this because I felt bad for my parents. I could tell how much they struggled to deal with him. So, I hid away all my needs, did well in school, and lived my life at home only to appease my brother. My parents never said anything about this, maybe they didn't even notice. But it hurt so much feeling like I was giving up so much, and my parents seeming happy as a result.
This constant egg-shell-walking throughout my childhood has really impacted me as an adult. Even slightly inconveniencing another person causes me extreme anxiety. I even get anxious when I win at games, because that would be basically a guaranteed temper tantrum from my brother.
I have such an extreme sense of empathy that I sometimes literally cannot figure out what I want in a situation, because all I've considered is what's best for the person whose most likely to be angry with the outcome (which is never me). I've become friends and lovers with people who make me feel the same way, walking on egg shells at all times. It weirdly feels like home to me. I hate that I'm extremely good at it, making people who really struggle to make connections feel secure. But I just completely lose myself in the process.
But now, as an adult, be seems to be doing okay, and I hate to admit this, but I hate it. Having been the child that needed nothing, I completely burned myself out. I'm in my late 20s working a minimum wage job, still rebuilding from a completely burnout that stopped me in my tracks. Meanwhile, he's working a pretty good job, getting promotions, is engaged and everything seems to be going well for him. On some level I am really proud of him, and I do love him, but it also just feels so unfair. I feel like I gave up so much to not cause turmoil in the house, which he was the source of, and he'll never realize that. I feel like he benefited and I'm the one struggling now, and it just really hurts.
Thanks for reading, sorry if some of it didn't make sense, I'm really just going off the top of my head here. I look forward to reading more stories on here and getting a better understanding of how this dynamic impacts others