u/ninksmarie

Someone posted asking for examples of boundaries. I listed my own personal ex. and someone else made the comment about how my boundaries reflect current politics. I agreed because it’s the perfect example of the worst way of communicating for resolution and compromise.
I have a physical list on paper I keep at my bedside. Now that I’m holding all my own boundaries and not participating in any escalations — the “bar” has been raised by him in order to tell me I’m still “wanting to fight” ie—- if I bring up ANYTHING unrelated to just our routine day to day of existing, he becomes two sentences from “trigger able”..
Does anyone relate to what I’m saying? Now that I can’t be the one blamed for any type of escalation behavior (that I participated in as a reaction to his own)

I’m blamed for just talking.
Outside of the realm of routine.
Sometimes I actually get one sentence out and it’s “here we go again” and I just shut down and walk off.

My hope is this helps someone here settle their mind about how they got here and where they want to go. My therapist is an older gentleman who bluntly asked me not long ago, “How long do you plan on doing this?” And it struck me how I am fully responsible for whether or not I continue down this path or not.

Only in the past, I’ve been so focused on what was being done TO ME that I couldn’t look back at how I got here and how I was or am continuing to choose this path.

Long story short, parentified by a mother led to first marriage to NPD and now second to at least someone who can not think critically with me or communicate in calm conflict—at worst someone who is undiagnosed OCPD, but either way I have chosen another partner whom I’ve been “determined” to change their mind about their own stresses and anxieties in order to feel loved.

Specifically, the theory of repetition compulsion is that we can unconsciously seek out traits and dynamics in a partner that we had in a parent in order to “fix” a trauma, or prove to ourselves that we can make that parent love us unconditionally.

My question is this, is there anyone else here who has gone down this road of “what did -I- do to get here?” And “would I do it again?” And “what do I work on and change within myself to avoid making these same mistakes in the future?”