r/LovedByOCPD

My wife of over 10 years was diagnosed with OCPD a couple of months ago, and until then I didn’t know that her brand of controlling, nagging behavior. I had some inklings when we first dated, such as when I tried to bake chocolate chip cookies and she flipped out on me because I poured the flour and a small amount ended up on the counter outside the bowl, or when I got tested for HIV at her request and the test results were delayed, she accused me of trying to hide it from her even though I told her that the clinic told me there was a delay at the lab and that I put her down on the form as a person they could disclose to.

I have moderate to severe ADHD (which seems to be a common theme on here) and she’s always seemed to appreciate my creativity and I appreciate her strong work ethic and sense of responsibility, but it created this dynamic from early on that I felt I had to set up hard boundaries because of how I knew she would react. Avoiding letting her ride in my car because even if I just had it cleaned out and vacuumed, she’ll complain that it’s dirty and smells bad. Hesitant to reveal financial information because I had some yellow flags on my credit from the six months I was unemployed. When we got married, I set a hard boundary that I have one room in the house that is mine that she gets no say in and is pretty much barred from; and a small bank account where I give myself an allowance (the rest goes into a joint account) that she can’t access because she’s cheap and sees common entertainment as a waste of money. She has pushed back on me from time to time, accusing me of keeping secrets (I view it as having one small part of my life that isn’t hers to micromanage).

It of course got worse when our child was born, and now every failure to unload the dishwasher immediately and correctly, or see on my own that the carpet needs to be vacuumed, or letting the trash go one day too long before I take it out is an indication that I am (in her own words) a “shitty roommate,” and to paraphrase in various ways, a bad example for our child. I have been accused of not being a functioning adult.

But here’s the thing - I am a functioning adult. I am a successful professional , and own my own small side business (which she knows about but I don’t let her in on because she comments regularly that anything other than being an employee-grind-slave is too risky). I come home for dinner almost every night and I think I’m a pretty good dad. When we met, I had a messy apartment and a group of friends who liked to drink beer and watch sports which she doesn’t approve of, but I wasn’t a train wreck.

Anyway, I’ve gotten treatment for the ADHD and I’m not perfect but I’m doing better. I notice and clean things and follow through on household responsibilities a lot more than I did, but the criticisms and the attitude that I’m a man-child haven’t let up. I’ve learned to let some of her criticisms just go and ignore her and forget she said anything.

But sometimes she takes it too far. She’ll get on the warpath about some minor thing (you were five minutes late picking her up from school. You can’t do that! Someone is going to call DCF!) and say harsh, shitty things calling me irresponsible, unprofessional, immature, or a child to my face. Our kid treats me more like an older brother than a dad sometimes because of the way my wife talks to me. I’m also starting to see some troubling anxiety behaviors on my child’s part (crying and freaking out when we have to throw out some small amount of leftovers that spoiled, for example).

And I don’t want to oversell this, but there have been occasions where my wife lets her frustrations get physical. Shoving me out of the way when our newborn was crying, presumably because of hungry or needing a diaper change. Slapping my arm when I contradict her orders in front of our kid. Digging her fingernails into my leg when I tell our kid something she thinks I shouldn’t (like that we’ll go out for ice cream if all the chores get done on a Saturday).

It’s exhausting. I love my wife, I think, or I’ve got Stockholm syndrome, and she’ll sometimes apologize when she is forced to realize she really crossed a line, and she can do thinks which seem to come from a place of love. But I also see hints of something that seem out of her general character that scare me a little. This isn’t a “my wife beats me and I take it” sort of situation, but I think maybe I just needed to get that off my chest.

(Can’t get a therapist because “they’re expensive” and can’t do couple’s therapy because “you might as well just divorce me and get it over with.”)

Really struggling this morning and would like insight from any who have been here (OCPD or loved one).

SO of 3.5 years (on/off) ended our relationship last night, following an incident in which I found out he lied and it caused some embarrassment in front of his family.

He was diagnosed with OCPD and depression in the last 2 months. After discussing the incident with his therapist at length, it sounds like it was a “wake up call” of sorts. His reasons for the breakup were these:

1. He wants to be able to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, without feeling a need to “ask permission” or feeling “judged” for his decisions. He mentioned he often feels judged or criticized or that I try to be his “manager,” and it makes him feel bad about himself, when he is already incredibly hard on himself inside. He said he felt the same way in his previous marriage. He acknowledged that maybe I am not judging him and it’s coming from inside of him. However, his desire for zero accountability is not the head space of someone who can be in a committed relationship.

2. He cannot stop lying to me about things large and small. This has been an ongoing issue for 2 years. I will find out he has lied, and it hurts me much more than knowing the truth. When I asked him why he is unable to stop, he told me he has convinced himself inside his own head that any drama or confrontation from telling the truth to me will be much worse than lying. He compared himself to a computer and said that he cannot change the “program” on which our relationship has been set to run.

He told me not to blame myself, that there is nothing I could have done better or differently, and that it’s not my fault he is “fucked up inside and wired wrong.” Obviously, I’m devastated, because I knew about his diagnoses and was willing to work with him on these issues.

For those who have loved someone with OCPD, or those who have it, does any of this sound familiar? Or does it sound like a different set of issues? Do you think he will circle back around once he works on himself? Or will this just be a huge relief to offload me?

I’m just beginning to learn about OCPD and would appreciate any insight.

I just recently discovered this PD and I feel like it fits my partner well as well as members of her immediate family.

in the nearly 2 decades we've been together I have done my best to be a better partner to her and live up to her standards. Including my thoughts and weighing my concerns on "big" life decisions has been an issue, and when I bring it up this falls on deaf ears or is net with "you said you were 'ok' with it"Physical intimacy has always been lacking, of course the typical advice to improve this is geared to men who don't try and generally seem pretty awful to have even as a roommate. I have thoughtfully expressed how I felt my needs were being minimized . We've tried couples therapy a number of times where I feel like the "standard advice" of 'help out more,' 'women need to feel connected emotionally,' and 'women gave responsive desire' were all dispensed. So naturally I try to better myself, meet her needs even moreso, and nothing changes.

Several heartfelt carefully worded discussions with emphasis on how I feel about things are universally met with "I'll work on these things" or "I just don't need it like you do" or "I want to be able to do this for you" but again... here we are

When I stumbled on this subreddit and the OCPD one generally a lightbulb went off. Many of the challenges others are facing i feel like she is facing and many of the challenges associated with being partnered with an OCPDer I feel like I am facing. The challenge is.... she's "nice" about her demands so when I shared it with her that I think this might be something she struggles with and I was at first very hopeful because she was receptive and made an appointment with her therapist right then.

Of course; she has her appointment, her therapist reads out of the DSM V the symptoms and together they come to the agreement "this doesn't fit" I read the same thing and I feel like it does fit. So now I'm feeling like I'm gaslighting myself into thinking maybe I'm the problem again.

I got a referral to a couples therapist from my therapist and I'm hopeful it will finally be the thing that helps, that starts to inch things in the correct direction but I don't have much hope.

I have thoughts nearly every day of "should it be this hard to be married?" and "is this really what I wanted?"