r/LovedByOCPD

Context: My father is diagnosed with OCPD. He has not gotten any treatment and his behaviour has really escalated the last 5 years. He controls everything about my day and my life, my mother is complicit for her own selfish reasons.

I’m so tired of the constant whiplash that throws each day into chaos and a constant debate that I don’t want to be apart of.

I’ve been begging for two years to go on this hiking trail close by. Everyone always talks about how fun it is, the views. He makes promises that we will go, then the day of there’s always an excuse. It’s not warm enough, it’s too warm, it might rain, we’ll see if the weather “improves as the day goes”. I’m his mind it never does. He’s hyper focused on the weather and it controls my life. He pushes me and pushes me, then when he sees he went too far with his control he’ll promise me something, like being allowed to drive the family car. Then the morning comes for me to drive and “of I’d just thought I’d drive it’s easier.”

He dangles the carrot then rips it away.

Every day I have to tell him what my plans are (very often nothing bc he won’t allow me to do much of anything anymore) and then I tell him and he starts telling me when I can do one thing, that I’m not allowed to do the second thing, I can’t go outside today bc it might rain this afternoon, etc.

And the worst part to all of this is that he pretends he’s not doing it. That I have every freedom and I just have to ask. But to ask is to enter the debate and I am just so shut down I have no energy for it anymore. So when I finally break free I will be the “crazy” one who thought bye was controlling while in his reality I just was too anxious to make a decision or to do anything.

Someone posted asking for examples of boundaries. I listed my own personal ex. and someone else made the comment about how my boundaries reflect current politics. I agreed because it’s the perfect example of the worst way of communicating for resolution and compromise.
I have a physical list on paper I keep at my bedside. Now that I’m holding all my own boundaries and not participating in any escalations — the “bar” has been raised by him in order to tell me I’m still “wanting to fight” ie—- if I bring up ANYTHING unrelated to just our routine day to day of existing, he becomes two sentences from “trigger able”..
Does anyone relate to what I’m saying? Now that I can’t be the one blamed for any type of escalation behavior (that I participated in as a reaction to his own)

I’m blamed for just talking.
Outside of the realm of routine.
Sometimes I actually get one sentence out and it’s “here we go again” and I just shut down and walk off.

Has anyone here had experience with a manager who shows very clear OCPD-like traits?

I’m curious whether anyone else has been in a similar situation, because I’m currently dealing with a leadership situation that has gradually become quite extreme.

I’m in a position where my CEO displays some very pronounced traits that strongly resemble OCPD. He has an extreme need for control and perfectionism, is highly rigid, has very little tolerance for deviations or for anything that is not “the way we usually do it,” and has a strong conviction that things need to be done in one particular way.

I’m part of the executive management team myself as CCO, responsible for sales, marketing and the commercial side of the business.

The most difficult part is almost not the individual conflicts. It’s the constant rigidity in everyday life.

Everything has to fit into a predefined box. It makes visionary, creative and experimental work extremely difficult. If something deviates from the way he believes it should look or be done, the deviation itself becomes the problem, even if there is a deliberate professional or creative rationale behind it.

One example: Recently, he spent more than three hours trying to find a discrepancy of 3$ in the monthly accounts. It turned out that a single receipt had been affected by a filter and had therefore been posted incorrectly. 3$.
But he couldn’t send the accounts to the board if they weren’t completely correct.

Our financial reporting is only shown to the nearest 1.000$, so the discrepancy would not even have been visible in the accounts.

At the same time, his calendar is full of countless small “follow up” items on things that would normally be handled by employees or team leaders:
\- Follow up on whether some safety harnesses have been shipped.
\- Follow up on whether a sign has been painted.
\- Follow up on whether the grass has been cut in a specific area.
\- Follow up on very minor operational details.

These are not isolated examples. It’s a management style.

Six months ago, our executive management team consisted of the CEO, CCO, COO, CFO and a Project Director.

Since then, the CFO has been fired after a period of massive micromanagement. The COO resigned around three months ago. The Project Director has just resigned.

I will resign myself on August 31 if I haven’t been dismissed before then. In fact, I’m partly hoping for the latter because I’m already in the process of moving on to something new, but he doesn’t know that.

The latest development has made the situation even more obvious.

Now all communication and marketing material has to go through him for final approval.
Everything from visuals, campaigns and signage to radio commercials, videos and newsletters. The list is very long.

The reason is that on a few occasions, material has been published that he personally felt did not fit our brand guidelines closely enough.

For example, it could be a Halloween campaign where we have deliberately created a very distinct Halloween universe instead of making it look like our normal look and feel.

To me, that is simply part of the marketing discipline: themed campaigns need to have their own universe.

For him, the deviation from the norm becomes the problem itself.

The departments reporting to me are very affected by this. They experience it as control and as a lack of trust in their professional abilities.
I’ve had many conversations with my employees, telling them not to see it as criticism of their work.

They are talented, creative and produce really good work. But it’s difficult for them not to take it personally when their professional autonomy is gradually being taken away.

There is no doubt that his work is his entire life.
He usually arrives at work at around 7:00 a.m., drives home at around 6:00 p.m., and shortly afterwards he is online again until around 11:00 p.m.

At weekends, he often finds work-related tasks to do or takes shifts that would normally be handled by regular employees.

Holidays, private appointments, family events, etc. are generally not attended. They seem to be regarded as a waste of time because that time could instead be spent working.

I also see the same extreme level of control in his own routines and diet. He is incredibly underweight, eats very little during the working day and almost always avoids eating at company events, usually with some explanation. For example, the last time it was, “I’ve just had a huge lunch.”

I don’t necessarily think his intention is to control people or to be this extreme.

I think it is more that control gives him some form of security.

But the consequences for the organisation are the same:
Less autonomy. Less creativity. Less independence. More approvals. More micromanagement.

And eventually, talented people start leaving the company.

Has anyone here worked closely with, or reported to, a CEO or manager with similar traits?

Hey. I am a diagnosed OCPD (recently).

I am interested about the loved one’s perspective:
- What’s hurtful to you that an OCPD person probably doesn’t notice?

Hello everyone,

If you don't know me by now, I am a behavioral scientist and a therapist for developmental and intellectual disabilities

I have been happily married to a diagnosed OCPD person for most of my life

Like all personality disorders, OCPD begins in childhood with instability and uncertainty.

Trauma accelerates the onset of OCPD traits, but it's not a necessary component.

OCPD is not the embedded conviction that everything must change to suit the preference of the OCPD individual.

An adaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a socially acceptable and functionality appropriate way

A maladaptive behavior is one that meets a need in a functional but inappropriate way

There are maladaptive behaviors that are socially acceptable.

Attenuating a lack of rest with nicotine and caffeine are socially acceptable, maladaptive behaviors.

Speaking from experience

Attenuating a fear of personal judgement, environmental sanitation, monetary or housing instability, hygiene insufficiency, moral ineptitude, religious commitment, or work quality by endlessly attempting to _correct the behavior of others_ is a socially unacceptable, maladaptive behavior

OCPD is a set of traits defined by a material and everlasting fear of RELIVING even greater stress than the sufferer is experiencing in every moment

With all fear based disorders, we see a causal chain of three hallmark occurrences

The observation of something that may introduce an unpredictable event

The fear that by not correcting the observed problem, the unpredictable event will become a certainty

An often failed attempt to control the fear so that it does not escalate to panic

With OCPD, reactions are episodic and astonishingly reliable

If you're not afraid of what I'm afraid of, you're not paying attention

If you're not paying attention, you should be

If you were paying attention like you should be, you would be afraid of what I'm afraid of

I can't believe I'm once again the only one left to secure stability for us ALL

because you won't just pay attention

That's it.

"Leave me alone" now sounds like I don't care about what's important

"You're asking too much" now sounds like I am not willing to do my part

"I can't do everything you want me to do" now sounds like I don't care enough about you to match your level of effort

"I don't understand why you're mad" now sounds like I'm ok with you being the one to fix everything even if it is driving you crazy

I hope this helps you to understand your loved ones.

This does not make any of the controlling behavior ok or even remotely acceptable. It is still maladaptive. It still needs to be addressed. But it cannot be addressed without understanding what it really is.

Is it just mine or this is typical for the diagnosis and maybe personality disorders in general?