When is it too much?
My wife of over 10 years was diagnosed with OCPD a couple of months ago, and until then I didn’t know that her brand of controlling, nagging behavior. I had some inklings when we first dated, such as when I tried to bake chocolate chip cookies and she flipped out on me because I poured the flour and a small amount ended up on the counter outside the bowl, or when I got tested for HIV at her request and the test results were delayed, she accused me of trying to hide it from her even though I told her that the clinic told me there was a delay at the lab and that I put her down on the form as a person they could disclose to.
I have moderate to severe ADHD (which seems to be a common theme on here) and she’s always seemed to appreciate my creativity and I appreciate her strong work ethic and sense of responsibility, but it created this dynamic from early on that I felt I had to set up hard boundaries because of how I knew she would react. Avoiding letting her ride in my car because even if I just had it cleaned out and vacuumed, she’ll complain that it’s dirty and smells bad. Hesitant to reveal financial information because I had some yellow flags on my credit from the six months I was unemployed. When we got married, I set a hard boundary that I have one room in the house that is mine that she gets no say in and is pretty much barred from; and a small bank account where I give myself an allowance (the rest goes into a joint account) that she can’t access because she’s cheap and sees common entertainment as a waste of money. She has pushed back on me from time to time, accusing me of keeping secrets (I view it as having one small part of my life that isn’t hers to micromanage).
It of course got worse when our child was born, and now every failure to unload the dishwasher immediately and correctly, or see on my own that the carpet needs to be vacuumed, or letting the trash go one day too long before I take it out is an indication that I am (in her own words) a “shitty roommate,” and to paraphrase in various ways, a bad example for our child. I have been accused of not being a functioning adult.
But here’s the thing - I am a functioning adult. I am a successful professional , and own my own small side business (which she knows about but I don’t let her in on because she comments regularly that anything other than being an employee-grind-slave is too risky). I come home for dinner almost every night and I think I’m a pretty good dad. When we met, I had a messy apartment and a group of friends who liked to drink beer and watch sports which she doesn’t approve of, but I wasn’t a train wreck.
Anyway, I’ve gotten treatment for the ADHD and I’m not perfect but I’m doing better. I notice and clean things and follow through on household responsibilities a lot more than I did, but the criticisms and the attitude that I’m a man-child haven’t let up. I’ve learned to let some of her criticisms just go and ignore her and forget she said anything.
But sometimes she takes it too far. She’ll get on the warpath about some minor thing (you were five minutes late picking her up from school. You can’t do that! Someone is going to call DCF!) and say harsh, shitty things calling me irresponsible, unprofessional, immature, or a child to my face. Our kid treats me more like an older brother than a dad sometimes because of the way my wife talks to me. I’m also starting to see some troubling anxiety behaviors on my child’s part (crying and freaking out when we have to throw out some small amount of leftovers that spoiled, for example).
And I don’t want to oversell this, but there have been occasions where my wife lets her frustrations get physical. Shoving me out of the way when our newborn was crying, presumably because of hungry or needing a diaper change. Slapping my arm when I contradict her orders in front of our kid. Digging her fingernails into my leg when I tell our kid something she thinks I shouldn’t (like that we’ll go out for ice cream if all the chores get done on a Saturday).
It’s exhausting. I love my wife, I think, or I’ve got Stockholm syndrome, and she’ll sometimes apologize when she is forced to realize she really crossed a line, and she can do thinks which seem to come from a place of love. But I also see hints of something that seem out of her general character that scare me a little. This isn’t a “my wife beats me and I take it” sort of situation, but I think maybe I just needed to get that off my chest.
(Can’t get a therapist because “they’re expensive” and can’t do couple’s therapy because “you might as well just divorce me and get it over with.”)