u/nonpienary

TL;DR: A person who was formerly a close friend and colleague has almost completely dropped contact with me over the past year, and I'd like to find out why before I move across the country.

I work in two major fields as of right now. I have full time work, and I do projects on the side. Back when I was still in school, I became good friends with several of my professors, including Mary (52F. If you want to be accurate I'm only kind of guessing at her age). She's always been very supportive of me and of many other students of hers. For several years after graduating, I also worked directly for my school and with Mary in a very close capacity. 

Before anyone says anything weird, she's married, she has two kids, I've spent a good chunk of time working with her kids and husband as well, and I would consider them all friends of mine. When I was going through some personal issues, they offered to let me stay at their house until I'd gotten things sorted out. They're a very kind and generous family, and Mary is very prominent in our field.

While I was not able to secure full-time work in my field, I've continued to work with Mary and also several other of my old profs on a project-to-project basis. Up until this year, Mary has asked me to work on at least one project a year with her. We don't see each other much outside of projects, but this is fairly normal in our field. We're both very busy adults with unusual schedules, and at first it didn't bother me that I hadn't heard much from her. 

However, I discovered that on a recent project, her team was strapped to find someone to fill my role. They asked someone who had already declined due to scheduling conflicts and said they'd work around this person's schedule because they "hadn't been able to find anyone else". Mary never asked me, and I know my name is both on her list and was floated from someone else in the team. 

I offered my volunteer services to one of their associated events and was declined, which is very unusual. I've seen her calls on Facebook for helpers or supplies but received what I would call chilled responses--being left on read for weeks, only getting answers after I prompt them, etc. Whatever I've done hasn't been enough to warrant being totally cut off; usually when Mary is displeased with someone EVERYONE knows it. But there's been no word at all, and I haven't been asked to join any 2026 projects. 

In the past when Mary hasn't invited me to a project for the year, she's specifically let me know in advance and given me a reason. The radio silence has been very hurtful, especially since she's been a very vocal supporter of my work in the recent past. In the past we've also had what I thought was a strong line of communication, as I take feedback well and generally don't have an issue being told when I'm doing something incorrectly. After having a bit of a meltdown about this on my own, I was ready to chalk it up to me reading too much into things and overreacting. 

I came by the workspace to drop off some supplies I'd volunteered to bring to Mary's tech person, and was VERY surprised to see her there. Not only her, but almost everyone at the workspace was from the team I'd worked with on our last project. It was crushing. It was like walking into a birthday party I hadn't been invited to. Mary looked very surprised to see me there and after a few minutes of stuttering conversation, I made my excuses. I told her I would be moving in a few months and that we should catch up before then.

I was just going to leave it all alone, except I messaged her to tell her my move date and say again that I'd like to see her before I go. I've been left on read for two weeks now. If I wasn't moving maybe I'd let it go but even if she's decided I'm not her friend, she's also a professional contact I don't want to leave in bad repair. If she knows people in the area I'm moving to, I'd like to be able to at least get a reference from her. In truth her radio silence is one of the big reasons I'm moving, as without her as a connection, things have been very slow for me in this field. She's a central hub of communication that I've been cut off from and I can only guess at why. 

I'd like to find a way to approach this conversation in a way that's adult and professional, but I'm struggling to find a wording that doesn't sound childish and whiny. "Are you mad at me?" is absolutely out of the question lmao. I've tried to leave doors open for her to say things but with no success. Any suggestions would be helpful at this point. Thanks everyone.