I hate my gender and sexuality or whatever this is
I am a woman and I've realized that seeing men humiliating woman during sex arouses/excites me in some way. I don't get wet or anything but mentally it's stimulating? I feel like this is just arousal incongruence and I'm just a lesbian. I'm shit scated. I can't be straight if i enjoy seeing other women in pain during sex.
I used to think maybe i just liked watching it but i forced myself somehow to put myself in the position of the man and i liked it? This triggered my TOCD or what I hope is tocd, as well. I now feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I don't even feel panic anymore but I'm just sad.
When i imagine myself as a man i get this weird sort of feeling almost as if i like it. I got scared thinking tjis might be euphoria and googled how euphoria feels like and it said this warm feeling in chest and i feel like i felt like that. Whatever it said it's supposed to feel, i checked each time and i felt that exact thing?
It's over for me, maybe this was never ocd. Maybe i just forced myself to believe I have ocd. It's so unfair. I can't do this anymore i don't even feel like a girl anymore, dunno if i ever did