u/nothabkuuys

Or 15, I don’t really remember. It was half assed and didn’t work obviously. I’m fucking 31 now.

I don’t have a purpose for this post.

I walked for 5 miles today in the dark. Aimlessly. People were scared of me just because I had no life in my eyes. Even the homeless dudes didn’t ask me for money. I kinda envy them in a fucked up way. I relate more to them.

Fucking believe it or not, an AI chat was helpful. I fired my therapist months ago, and having something there to bounce my tragedies off does help a little bit while I can’t afford a therapist. If you can look past the weird sycophantic bullshit, it’s at least a little helpful. But human therapy is better.

But shit. I’m still back here. Therapy, meds, quitting jobs, trying something new. It all leads to now. And ‘now” sucks, and is identical to what it was at 15 or 16.

It does get better 99% of the time. That shit is corny but actually true. But right now, it’s fucking hell 1% and very true.

I come on this sub when I’m feeling down. To relate. To say “fuck this, this is it. I’m doing it” and maybe find some like minds.

I commented once here. I think it was “I feel that shit too”. And I do. And I don’t want any of you sweet souls doing some dumb shit like taking your life. But not me. I’m different, some-fucking-how. I deserve the right to end it. And I guess we all have the right to.

This account thankfully has no piid nor even an email tied to it. So I can speak freely.

I’m going to wake up tomorrow, and deal with whatever life holds for me. And I’ll be back tomorrow with the same story and fears and thoughts.

I said this post has no meaning. And it really doesn’t. IDFK what to think or do now. Half my life has been like this. I don’t know whether to call it quits or Begrudgingly keep going.

But damn it. You know I’m going to wake up tomorrow. I know the suffering is worth it, and that I cause my own suffering most of the time.

Buddhism, non-duality, this guy named Joe, god, therapy, meds, career changes. It all didn’t work.

I hope they work for you. But if they don’t, I know we’ll both wake up tomorrow feeling like shit, with our brains fried and anxious and depressed and hopeless.

Because, well, what the fuck else are we gonna do?

We all know that the 99% good shit is worth it for the 1% horrible shit. But the 1% is always the loudest.

If you are reading this: I know this sounds dumb as fuck. I know you are either needing help, or giving help. But whoever you are, I will fucking fight for you.

I have a psych appointment this week. I hope to all that is holy that I can make it until then and then my problems will be manageable.

One last thing. My name is ANDREW. And I don’t know who the fuck I am, why the fuck I am, or how. But my name is Andrew.

Somehow that feels good to say.

Good night.

By no means do I use their estimated traffic metric as gospel, but it’s real bad now. AI overviews and other SERP features may appear as top 3, but that doesn’t mean the site will actually get that traffic. IIRC, the CTR per rank formula is basically #1 gets 30% of search volume, #2 gets 15%, etc. but in 2026 that’s so skewed and not a reliable indicator, and doesn’t account for all the SERP features that appear. No one is clicking your AI overviews source link as much as if it was #1 on 2005 Google. They need a better formula, anything that’s slightly closer to reality.