a long road back
my mtf journey started around age 15, socially. i was on hormones from age 17 to 19. age 20 was my "first" rodeo with detransition. it was met with what i assumed to be dysphoria, so the long hair stayed, but the hormones didn't.
looking back, presenting as feminine wasn't a pursuit of true gender alignment, it was just a relief from anxiety. she/her landed with less discomfort than he/him, but nothing more. being trans gave my brain a tangible reason for why i felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, and acted as an escape from the daunting social expectations of how a guy is "supposed" to exist. it makes sense why i never had bottom dysphoria, and found the idea of surgery unpleasant. my body wasn't the issue, the crushing anxiety was.
fast forward to now, age 22. i started escitalopram a couple months ago. did an ssri turn me cis? no, i believe i always was. but the med and getting older allowed me to realise what i couldn't see at 20.
i have a lot of trauma to unpack, but essentially, being perceived as a woman felt safe. my long hair wasn't worn with empowerment; it was a shield to hide behind. so i finally went to a salon and got it cut short. looking in the mirror, with 12 inches left on the salon floor, i'm no longer afraid of what i see.
it irks me, because transphobic people love the "you're just confused and traumatised" angle to further their harmful rhetoric. in my case, with actual nuance, yes that kind of does apply. but a broken clock is right twice a day, i suppose.
i guess i'm sharing this to see if anyone else realised their transition was a survival strategy for anxiety/trauma rather than actual gender dysphoria? how did you navigate building a version of being a guy (or girl) that actually felt comfortable for you?