I am lost
Sorry long post-
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I (34f) and my husband (39m) have been together 15 years, married for 10
This is the story I’ve heard 100 times. Overall amazing person. A relationship that has so much love and care, but I am emotionally carrying the weight. No intimacy, no emotional connection. Any hard conversations are pushed by me. He’s wildly avoidant.
Last year we had a bad fight and I almost left, I said couples therapy or I’m done. We went to therapy, which helped a in some ways especially communication when fighting. But we didn’t talk about alot of the bigger issues. Sure, I could’ve brought things up in session but I wanted to see him to do it also. I wanted him to pull some of that weight. And I felt like if it mattered to him, he has a voice too-and I’ve said I’m tried of carrying this weight
It’s been a merry go round of the same issue, and I feel back sliding from therapy (we’ve been out about 10 months).
We still have intimacy issues, anything we do (date or vacation etc.) I plan, and he still will not bring up the harder conversations.
I feel like we are at the end, I cannot do it anymore and I can’t go on feeling like this. We recently went on vacation, I was hoping to have this time for connection and we just didn’t connect. We had a bad fight on vacation (I was so sad and feeling just unwanted or unattractive-who doesn’t have sex on vacation!) which left me gutted but we pulled it together to have a good last couple days. I was hoping when we got home we’d circle back to the conversation but nope. It hurt. He’s so avoidant that he acted like nothing happened while I was devastated on the inside.
We did talk (I brought it up) and sure now he’s really trying to showing effort, and have the effort be known. Giving me more kisses, looking at air bnb for a maybe weekend away….but it’s like he’s doing the easy stuff. I’m still not feeling good-I told him this. He never checks back in. I’m also feeling a bit of resentment that he’s NOW going to change when I’m here, at this place where I’m not sure it’s fixable, and i have said that in our last talk.
I set a boundary that I won’t goto therapy with him again unless he gets therapy himself.
I love him so much, he truly is such a great person. He also isn’t like a lazy guy, he does so much for me around the house and we legitimately have so much fun together. But I want a lover not a best friend.
Leaving scares me. He’s been in my life since I was 21, our lives are so connected. I fear what he’s going to do, he’s so closed off and avoidant I’m scared he won’t be ok mentally. I’m scared how our families will react, mine is extremely close to him. My close friends have all
Rallied around me and have told me they support
Me in whatever I do. They want to see me happy. But for a lot of people this will be a shock. I’m gutted, I’m heart broken and I don’t want this to be where I’m at….but I’m also aware I can’t keep doing this. I’m just scared I’ll make the wrong choice
I don’t know anyone who has gone through this. Most ppl k know relationships end with a bad thing or alot of hate, and that’s not what’s happening. He’s a gos person who I love deeply. I am scared I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to hurt him. It feels like I’m holding a grenade and I’m about to blow up my life.