u/oatmeal_cm

I am a 27-year-old woman who has been training consistently for the past 12 years—mainly strength training mixed with cardio, alongside a weekly group cycling class for the last 5 years.
When I was 16, I was treated for anorexia. Things improved slightly over a couple of years, but after moving out on my own, I slid into a pattern of heavy exercise paired with rigid, highly controlled eating. Over time, I developed a chew and spit (C&S) habit that has progressively escalated.
The hardest part about this is my outward appearance. To anyone looking at me, I look like a girl who just loves fitness and has a healthy relationship with food. I don't look underweight; I look strong and fit. But underneath, the control is absolute. I haven't had a period in 10 years (except for a one-year window when I was on antidepressants and gained some weight despite my rigid routine, but it disappeared again as soon as I stopped the medication).
I have sought help multiple times through primary care, receiving referrals for CBT, psychologists, and psychodynamic therapy. Yet, I can't seem to break free. The need for control is overwhelming.
Now to my main question. I want honest feedback on the "math" I run in my head. I have an automatic equation running constantly: I start with a low baseline requirement for my day, and then I slowly add a small allowance based on my daily step count and workout duration. After calculating that total, I almost always subtract a chunk of food just to be on the "safe side." I have a desk job, but I walk a lot and train regularly.
My C&S behavior has gotten much worse over the last two years, and I am now trying to stop completely. I’ve managed 2 days without it so far, which is rare for me. I’m thinking about adding a modest amount of food back into my daily routine to see if my body feels better and if I can regain some energy.
My weight has been completely stable on what I currently eat, but I’m wondering: is this my actual maintenance, or has my body just adapted to chronic restriction? What will actually happen to my body if I start adding a bit more food every day?
Over the past year, my body has sustained multiple injuries—4 in my legs and 2 in my back. I am getting physical therapy, but nothing is healing. I have no period and zero sex drive. Training is currently my main motivation to actually eat; I prioritize eating larger meals around my workouts, but I keep things extremely restrictive during the day so I can have a larger evening meal. Saving my food for the evening feels like a "release" where I can finally relax, though still within very controlled boundaries.
Has anyone been in a similar spot with chronic injuries, amenorrhea, and hidden restriction while appearing "healthy"? What should I expect when I start eating more?
If you'd like to adjust any specific phrasing or want suggestions on which subreddits would be most supportive for this, just let me know.

Jag har fått extremt ökad hunger och aptit på bupropion. Jag kan inte sluta äta och jag undrar om det kommer fortsätta vara så här. Jag är på sjätte dagen idag.

I am on my 5th day of bupropion (Voxra - Swedish compay). The first 3 days I felt more energetic, happier, and more optimistic about life. Possibly a little restless. And hungrier than before. But since yesterday and today, I have felt enormous hunger, and a restlessness that doesn't go away. I can't watch a series or focus on one thing without my thoughts turning to something else all the time—10 things at once. I don't have time to finish anything before I start something else. A bit lightheaded / dizzy too. I feel explosive, impulsive, and like I am constantly stressed. I take 25 mg of Lergigan (sleep-med) to sleep, but it still takes a long time before I settle down. This was supposed to help me stop my chew and spit, but I feel wound up all the time, can't relax, and am constantly hungry and thinking about food.

Jag har tidigare haft sertralin i ungefär tio månader (testade med fluexotin samt brintellix däremellan men funkade inte). Jag gick upp nästan sju till 8 kg under den här perioden med sertralin, vilket var tråkigt då mediciner funkade väldigt bra annars. Jag är väldigt strikt med mat och kost och brukar ha koll på detta så det var inte ett kaloriöverskott som var orsaken till viktuppgången.

Varit snart ett år utan medicin och mått helt okej men kämpar fortfarande mycket med jobbiga tankar, dåligt mående och inte så mycket ork eller lust att hitta på saker (även om jag försöker) utan isolerar mig mer och bygger upp en safe-zon där mat blir min trygghet, för att sedan få ångest och behöva träna för kompensera och ”förtjäna” mat igen.

Lämnat en relation som inte var bra för mig (gick på äggskal konstant, vaktade varje ord osv) trots jag har så otroligt kär i honom och kände mig beroende av honom. Varit jättesvårt och är fortfarande. Mådde ändå ok precis efter, kände mig mer fri, men nu senaste månad / veckorna har jag varit deprimerad, sorg som gått över till en apatisk och fullständigt platt och tom känsla. Orkar ingenting. Ser inte fram emot något. Går och pratar med psykolog varje vecka sedan 4 månader tillbaka.

Läkarna diskuterar att jag ska testa medicin igen, men denna gång Voxra. Är det någon här som testat det och vill dela med sig? Jag har väldigt svårt att sova i perioder (tar sömntabletter i perioder då) och är rädd att Voxra ska göra mig så pigg att jag inte somnar.

Tack för er hjälp!