u/oatmealaddict1278

keeping it short: bf (m23) and i (f21) met shortly after we both got out of long term relationships. his was pretty traumatic and messed up, impacted him a lot and he was really low mentally when we met. he was very honest with me about everything.
we had the exclusivity talk two weeks ish into knowing each other, but didn’t become “official” until 8 months into talking. we were physical probably around a month or so.

we live together now, and i was reorganizing under our bed when i found an old notebook of his. i thought it was mine at first, so i flipped through it, and found a letter dated three months into us “talking” that he wrote to his ex gf about how much he missed her. i shouldn’t have kept reading but i did.

i was absolutely besides myself and was going to leave (he works nights) to take space but decided to stay and talk it out with him when he got home. i left the letter out and went to bed (intending on waking up before he got off so i could prepare how i wanted to go about this).

i didn’t wake up and so he woke me up when he saw the letter out. he knew i was kind of upset about something prior but didn’t know what.

he was incredibly apologetic and was also besides himself, and explained he didn’t know the notebook was in there (it was in a box of stuff from his parents house that his parents put everything into when he moved out) and that he was in a bad headspace and that he didn’t finish the letter (true) because it was stupid and he didn’t mean it even in the moment.

i told him it was so hurtful even if he was in a bad state that he was physical with me (he knows it’s a huge deal for me and i was clear about that when we started) while obviously still having these feelings. we weren’t dating so it wasn’t cheating, and it was very early on in the grand scheme of our relationship, but it was still horrible to read and look back on how smitten i was at the time with him when he wrote it. he swears he didn’t actually have those feelings for her still and that he was just in a messed up mindspace.

he was sad i was upset, but also made some random comments as the days progressed, like “if you would’ve broken up with me over that i would’ve judged you so hard” and “you need to not think about it” and he was essentially freaked out that i couldn’t move on from it right away. i understand where he is coming from, and that it wasnt cheating and that in order for us to have a healthy relationship i need to either come to peace with it or break up bc if i don’t do either it’ll poison our trust and relationship anyways, but its still a huge thing for me.

I’ve also always been insecure about this ex of his bc she was such a topic for so long bc when we met he was actively working through all the shit she put him through. but i also KNEW all this in real time, and chose to pursue the relationship anyways because, as i said before, i was smitten. he is truely the most impressive person ive ever met and i can’t speak highly enough about him to everyone i meet. i feel blessed every day that he’s my boyfriend.

it’s been five days and i still feel horrible. it comes and goes ig, but he’s brought up how weird ive been acting, and i just don’t feel like it’s a safe space to tell him that im still thinking about it because im worried it will turn into a bigger conversation when really there’s nothing to talk about. im hurt, that’s it.

aio? is this even a big deal? let me reiterate that we were not officially bf/gf, and that he was honest with me throughout the entire process. i’m also not worried about him cheating in general or lying to me because he’s a very honest person. the conversations we had were heartfelt and genuine when he was talking about how much he loves me and wants to be with me, i just can’t get the letter out of my head.

Summer without AC… suggestions?

AIO: found a note my bf wrote to his ex girlfriend three months into us “dating”