constantly trying to “solve” my thoughts. and it’s so much worse at night and i guess part of it is because there’s no people around to distract me. i also think i genuinely get more sad or pessimistic when the sun is down
if i confess, my i get temporary relief, but then my boyfriend continues to doubt if i will ever get better and puts our relationship in more danger as he doesn’t think it will work out if i continue to depend on him. on the other hand. if i don’t confess I HAVE CRIPPLING UNBEARABKE ANXIETY. i can’t focus on anything. god i hate this god i hate this god i hate this.
just thought i would share this. i’m so grateful that my parents are offering to pay for it, because it’s really expensive. i’m hoping this is a turning point for me!
i have a massive drinking problem. about a week ago, my bf and i had a long talk about it and he said he doesn’t want to move in with me anymore. the problem isn’t necessarily the alcohol itself, but my ocd that spikes up when i drink. so it’s kind of both. he said he doesn’t want to move in until i show him that i can make progress or at least try and better myself. it’s only been a week and all i have done is disappoint him. this morning, i woke up laying in my own piss because i drank with my friend last night. everyone told me to just not tell him then boom problem solved. but i have a compulsive need to telll him everything, or else i feel like im being deceiving. we’ve grown distant the past month or so and he’s not consistent with texting. he seemed disappointed when i told him i drank last night. i’m so worried that he is planning on breaking up with me. because when he told me he didn’t want to move in with me, he said he was thinking about it for a little while before he actually told me.
i’m trying to ground myself by saying to myself that even if he does break up with me it’s not the end of the world, but i fear it might be. i really take him for granted and i love him so much he’s perfect in every way.
does anyone have any good tips for, idk…. distraction? i’m trying to play overwatch and hang out with my brother but this is legit all i can think about.