u/oceanwatergeezer

i think i fucked everyones life up.
i guess for context, me and mom had a rocky relationship from when i was a kid basically to now. i dont want to say she abused me but she hurt me in ways i wish she wouldn’t and just didnt understand me. she also had a knack for letting my sister act out with me and didnt really address it properly. i loved her but i guess the past year ive been feeling numb and pretty pessimistic; its like the love i have for her “left” even though i dont like saying that. uh i know this story is messy but bear with me. last year i was depressed because of a trauma resurface (sa), and i started sh and she found out of course. since then our relationship has been pretty weird. she has said things like “you’re weak” or that im just like my dad (hold on to this thought) she even told me if i could kill myself i want to plus i told her i was atheist and i guess my personality mustve changed in a way she didnt like + her and my damn ass sister being some kind of team, of course that hurt me when i was already down and i wasnt so evil yet. after trial and error trying to meet her expectations i gave up and you can say i might have become pretty selfish. i talked about her behind her back and then i guess she decided to tighten up and stop being so mean, but i cant help but resent her still even when she said sorry. she did continue calling me weak for hurting myself over being mol3sted behind my back and that made me hate her a bit more but i feel like im exaggerating everything and i know theres a way out im just not using it. i started doing drugs and being kind of cold and then she found out i relapsed with sh again and i just dismissed her. i keep going back to it. i told her i would stop but i really dont want to. it even made her cry. ive been pretty manipulative about how i feel about her and my mental state like telling her everything is fine when it really isnt (or i don’t fucking know maybe i am fine and im just being a piece of shit). ive been ungrateful as hell and i dont know how to prove it to her that i do care and love her but my personality is in a way where i dont like affection. i hate that im like my dad, he was addicted to drugs, im like him; i smile when im upset, he was notorious sh too (like banging his head) and with all that he was an abuser. i dont want to abuse my mom, i just dont want to be close with anyone but i dont want to neglect her neither. im scared that my relapses create a scene within the house and i dont want to traumatize my siblings or some shit i just want a way to change and be fucking normal and stop tearing my family apart but at the same time i hate being close to anyone.

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js help bro