u/okbrolmaoo

im gonna be starting test e soon (250mg). im 16 years old, 5'2 and 104 lbs. im thinking of doing 50mg/week

TW: mentions of suicide & self-harm

i mostly just want to vent

i have been diagnosed with bpd for almost 2 years. my partner and i have been dating for 6 months, and i used to split a lot over small things like him talking about his hobbies which made me feel like i wasn't important. and he would always treat me gently no matter how aggressive or hurtful i may get.

but now i almost never split. currently, our relationship is mostly stable but would spike very strongly sometimes. i have a very deep fear of being alone. almost every time we would part ways i would have a meltdown out of fear.

being alone is incredibly scary for me. its torture. everything is so boring and due to also having depression i cant bring myself to find things to entertain or distract myself. this leads to me having very very negative thoughts (usually suicidal), often leading to self harm or destroying things.

ive tried dbt and and am currently on ssris as well as atypical antipsychotics. none of them have worked (my psychiatrist told me that im treatment-resistant). i just don't know what to do. im scared that one day ill give in to my thoughts and end my life before i find a solution for this. ive gotten very close a few times.