u/okswimming479

im a terrible patient. I barely remember whats going on like ever and so I can't explain well. I'm so tired of trying different medication with weird side effects and i thought this one would work well.

i switched from 150 to 300 probably 2 weeks ago?

i told my therapist i was going to try and kill myself when i get home, didn't know what to expect. she helped me feel not as bad as before and talked to my mother about how she could help me. i still want to do it, kind of. I'm hopeful about life and i think i will get better but it's like... i just keep wanting to die. and I've lost interest in everything and i think all my friends don't care about me. the only thing i enjoy is lying in bed, thinking about my life and crying and crying and sleeping and still doing all my skincare and exercise and shit cause I can't miss a day.

im just forcing myself through stuff. really wish i could find the energy to study and focus on getting a job cause that's what i was doing. all that improved throughout trearment is ive been getting better at doing things despite feeling terrible but still feel more and more terrible everyday.

what can i do? i mean i could tell my psychiatrist. ughh it's so hard to talk to her. she's so vague. she gives me random medication to try. she keeps asking me stupid questions. what do I say to her? i dont know what i want so i kind of need suggestions from those thinking with a clear head.

ever since cutting out upf, (been maybe 3 weeks or more I haven't kept track) ive been having crazy food noise. its like when i see it my brain tells me "eat it" and even when I'm in my room i think about what i could eat downstairs. my entire family eats this stuff so its hard to avoid. i have to shop for my own vegetables.

but even when I've just eaten a meal it's still on my mind or the thing in my mind is something i know i don't like. but I can't stop thinking about it. Im not undereating or severely restricting myself from anything. hell i even ate more just to see if it would go away but it didn't. It's like I'm always hungry while being full at the same time? have you experienced this? what can i do?

it usually spikes at night and i basically have to power through 5 hours until i get too tired to think.