u/olifter1

I’ve never had any sexual experience before. My libido has been really low since I was around 15–16, mostly because I’m constantly on edge and tense.
Over the past 2–3 years, quite a few girls have tried to approach me. I’ve generally gotten attention from girls, maybe because of my looks, I don’t know. Anyway, last year I was hanging out with one of these girls for a while. She probably found me really cute.
After we had some alcohol, she asked to come over to my place, saying she needed to use the bathroom. Even though I was scared, I said okay. I guess part of me wanted to give it a try.
Once we got there, she started getting closer and closer to me and becoming physically affectionate. I did feel some excitement, but the fear and anxiety were way stronger. When she realized I wasn’t responding or making a move, she seemed pretty disappointed. I had no idea what to say or do. I think she probably even assumed I was gay

Anyone here taking Wellbutrin? How’s it been for you? Have you had any side effects like heart palpitations, increased anxiety, feeling on edge, etc.?

Anyone here taking Wellbutrin? How’s it been for you? Have you had any side effects like heart palpitations, increased anxiety, feeling on edge, etc.?

Anyone here taking Wellbutrin? How’s it been for you? Have you had any side effects like heart palpitations, increased anxiety, feeling on edge, etc.?

I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do anymore. One of the things that exhausts me the most is constantly being hit by memories and shame. It’s either shame, anger, hypervigilance, or sometimes I start talking really fast and get this weird, restless burst of energy. Sometimes I feel depressed and tense at the same time. It’s all mixed together.
But regardless of what you call it, bipolar, PTSD, trauma, or whatever else, there have to be some things that are generally good for you mentally. I’m already taking medication and that side of things is being managed, so I’m talking about things I can actually do myself.
The thing is, I’ve gotten out of a state like this before, around ninth grade. Back then I knew absolutely nothing about mindfulness, grounding, breathing exercises, trauma, or any of this stuff. I just instinctively started doing certain things. I exercised. I stayed in the moment. Sometimes when something uncomfortable came up, I’d take a breath, look around me, and bring myself back to what was actually happening.
And somehow, I felt like myself.
That’s really all I want. I genuinely don’t give a shit about being more energetic, confident, successful, productive, or anything like that. I just want to feel like I’m inside my own body and my own life again. I want to be able to say, “This is me.”
I’ve been there before. I just want to find my way back there.

I’m so fucking tired of this shit. These memories are always with me, and it’s not even one specific memory or event. It’s people, faces, humiliating moments, times when I felt completely defenseless, and that constant feeling of, “What the fuck was I even doing there?”

I’ve been trying to understand what has been happening to me, and I wanted to hear from people who actually live with PTSD, especially anyone who also has diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I have bipolar disorder as well, and sometimes it becomes incredibly difficult to understand where one thing ends and the other begins.
I’ve had periods where I’m much more energetic, talkative, restless and driven, sometimes feeling almost like I could do anything. My thoughts and energy can speed up considerably and I can feel like a noticeably different person. Then there are periods on the opposite end where I’m completely drained, disconnected and barely interested in anything.
But underneath those changes, there’s another layer that seems much more connected to trauma.
One of the hardest things is that my memories don’t always feel like memories. Intellectually, I know those situations are over. I know those people aren’t here. But my body and mind don’t seem to understand that.
Memories of being humiliated, judged, threatened, or made to feel weak and vulnerable can suddenly feel completely present again. It’s not necessarily that I literally believe I’m back there. It’s more like the emotional reality of it becomes now. The shame, fear, anger and vulnerability all return with it. Sometimes I feel like I could run into those people at any moment, even though there’s no reason to think that will happen.
My body reacts before I can even think. I startle extremely easily. Someone walking near me, an unexpected sound, somebody laughing nearby, even situations that I logically know are harmless can put my body into this intense state of alarm. My heart starts pounding and my whole body prepares for something that isn’t actually happening.
And I’m fucking exhausted.
Not normal tiredness. More like my entire system has been running for too long and there’s almost nothing left. Sometimes even talking feels tiring. I can spend an entire day unable to really do anything, but it doesn’t feel like resting either.
I’ve isolated myself heavily too. I’ve spent about a year barely seeing anyone outside my family. Part of me wants to participate in life again, but another part just wants to be left alone because being around people can make everything louder.
Then there’s this strange distance from myself.
Sometimes I don’t even feel particularly afraid or sad. I just feel far away. Flat. Disconnected from other people, normal life and especially myself. Other times everything comes flooding back and I’m full of shame, anger, fear or vulnerability again.
Having bipolar disorder on top of this makes it even harder to understand myself. My energy, motivation, emotions and sense of who I am can change so much that sometimes I genuinely don’t know which part is trauma, which part is bipolar, and which part is simply me reacting to being exhausted by all of it.
I think that’s probably the part that hurts the most.
I don’t really want to become some stronger, more productive version of myself. I don’t care about becoming fearless or proving anything anymore.
I just want to feel like myself again.
I want a relatively ordinary, quiet life. I want to be able to think clearly, feel real emotions, have boundaries, and exist around other people without my nervous system treating everything like a threat.
I’m tired of fighting the past, but I also don’t want to surrender my present life to it.
For people here who have PTSD and bipolar disorder together, or experiences similar to this:
How do you distinguish between the two?
Does trauma become much more intense during certain bipolar episodes?
And for those who have gotten better, what actually changed? Not necessarily what completely “cured” you, but what helped your body finally understand that the past is actually the past?

I’ve been trying to understand what has been happening to me, and I wanted to ask people here who actually live with PTSD what their experience is like.
One of the hardest things for me is that my memories don’t always feel like memories. Intellectually, I know those situations are over. I know those people aren’t here. But my body and mind don’t seem to understand that.
Memories of being humiliated, judged, threatened, or made to feel weak and vulnerable can suddenly feel completely present again. It’s not necessarily that I literally believe I’m back there. It’s more like the emotional reality of it becomes now. The shame, fear, anger, vulnerability, everything comes back with it. Sometimes I feel like I could run into those people at any moment, even though there’s no reason to think that will happen.
My body reacts before I can even think. I startle extremely easily. Someone walking near me, an unexpected sound, somebody laughing nearby, even relatively harmless situations can put my body into this intense state of alarm. Logically I can know I’m safe and still feel my heart pounding and my whole body preparing for something.
And I’m fucking exhausted.
Not normal tiredness. More like my entire system has been running for too long and there’s almost nothing left. Sometimes even talking feels tiring. I can spend the whole day unable to really do anything, but it doesn’t feel like resting either.
I’ve also isolated myself a lot. At this point I’ve spent a long time barely seeing anyone outside my family. Part of me wants to participate in life again, but another part of me just wants to be left alone because being around people can make everything louder.
Then there’s this strange distance from myself.
Sometimes I don’t even feel particularly afraid or sad. I just feel far away. Flat. Disconnected from other people, from normal life, and especially from myself. Other times everything comes flooding back and I’m full of shame, anger, guilt, or fear again.
I think that’s probably the part that hurts the most. I don’t really want to become some stronger, more productive version of myself. I just want to feel like myself again. I want to be able to exist without constantly measuring myself through old experiences and other people’s judgments.
I’m tired of fighting memories, but I also don’t want to surrender my present life to them.
For people here who have experienced PTSD this way, especially the constant hypervigilance, shame, exhaustion, isolation, and feeling like old experiences are happening in the present:
What did it feel like for you?
And if you’ve improved, what actually changed? Not necessarily what completely “cured” you, but what made the past finally start feeling like the past?