u/olliephant

TW // death, hospitals

okay, I need to know I’m not alone here bc I feel so wrong😭 I’ve been on testosterone gel for just over a year, my dose is currently 5g. my last surviving grandparent passed away earlier in the month, after being in the hospital for 3 weeks fighting multiple ailments. during this entire process, including her service we had over the weekend, I have not shed a single tear and it is killing me. I saw her in intensive care, and even after she passed, and there’s nothing. I feel all the physical responses of crying—shaking, snotting, stuttering, and I can even feel the tears start behind my eyes—but nothing actually comes out and I feel so… ashamed. I was extremely close with my grandmother, she was the closest grandparent I had, so I don’t think it’s anything relationship-wise.

I was talking to my therapist (an older trans man much further in his transition) and he said that he struggled with crying as well after he started, but it returned when he hit his 30s. I’m in my early 20s. I’ve always been extremely emotional, I would cry even when someone raised their voice. I was in a shitty relationship and I swear I cried every day for at least a year straight. so this is really strange for me, and my family understands that everyone grieves differently, but I’m just so worried that secretly they despise my lack of response. I’m also on a low dose of escitalopram, which I know can limit emotional responses.

I’m medically complex myself and have been close to death before, so maybe that’s numbing my emotions a bit. maybe the full realization hasn’t truly hit me? and I know I should engage in sad media to let those feelings out, as they can’t stay stuck. but I just wanted to know if this was a normal thing that other people experience, and how you coped with it, because I feel like a fraud. if you have any tips or experiences, please feel free to share! thanks so much, sorry for the long post lol

tl;dr: my grandmother passed and I have not shed a tear since starting testosterone. is that normal?