u/ominous-d-rox

In my case it’s my mother. I don’t feel like I have one. I cannot stand the sight or the the thought of her. My stomach turns when talking about her, seeing her call or text my phone, appear in the family group chat, etc.

I went to a birthday party the other day and I just couldn’t stand looking at her (she was drinking, too)

She continues to drink, hurt and pester everyone, and takes zero accountability. I’m just so over it. She has done what feels like irreparable damage to me. I had to end a relationship I was so happy about because of the fear and anxiety she instilled in me regarding drinking.

I barely talk to her any more. I go home maybe once to see my dad and other siblings and we speak then

Something tells me it’s wrong to feel like this because it’s my mother but again I don’t feel like she’s anything. A mother to me feels like some blank, empty box.

I’ve felt like this for over a decade now. I’m so over it. My therapist told me I don’t have to forgive her and I think objectively they are right. She’s never apologized once for her bullshit and the grief she’s caused me and the rest of my family.

Am I wrong? Idk why I’m posting this I’m just so frustrated

6 months ago I ended my relationship after nearly 2 years to someone whom I loved but was way too activating of my trauma regarding my mom. Before meeting her and since moving out on my own, I’ve been better not living at home, but that toxic relationship (and their actions) and therapy brought out a lot of feelings, memories, and pain regarding the relationship with my mother and really set me back.

These days, I am unsure how I feel. I feel like I’m unintentionally suppressing so much. I think I’ve just been so hurt that like my body and mind are not allowing anything else to bother me. Perhaps my mind trying to protect me? When my mind brings up the thoughts that I would usually have that weigh on me, my body sort of acts like a bug zapper and gets rid of them. This sounds like a good thing but it’s rather scary though because I feel like there’s a chance that if activated, this bottle can explode. I think this is why I don’t plan on getting back into a relationship anytime soon. I have been meeting new people for company which has been helpful throughout this ordeal.

When I try to read or listen to anything to help me on my journey, I am just so averted to it. It makes me so angry because it trudges up all these feelings and reminds me of what I lost (including that relationship). I am exhausted talking to my therapist and decided that I just need to keep moving.

My relationship nowadays with my mother is almost no contact expect when I visit home about once a week. I don’t want to talk to her. I really don’t care that it’s so minimal. In fact, I couldn’t care less.

I am tired. I think I’m sad, but then again I feel I don’t have a reason to be and I am getting mad at myself for it.

Every cycle in my life is a vicious one.

I’m a middle school gen ed counselor. This school year I had 6th-7th grade, but next school year I am getting 6-8th. I am very excited for the opportunity as I love my role and the students, but I am annoyed because I did not get the raise I feel like I am owed.

I will be the only gen ed counselor for middle school and my salary is just hovering 60. My principal told me they couldn’t fit the raise in because budgeting is over and they didn’t decide to give me this “promotion” until after budgeting was finalized. I think that’s BS. I am virtually doing what should be a 3 person job basically on my own and I feel like I should be compensated appropriately.

Mind you I am not a money person, in fact I hate it, but I do have bills, loans, and an upcoming dental procedure to pay for and I would like my work to help me pay those to help with those finical burdens which would cause me already more stress than I would have on-top of a hectic school year. Am I wrong?

Is it possible to negotiate my pay for a raise? I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I’m in a charter btw if that helps for context.

Sorry for the long post, I just have nowhere else to turn to for advice on the matter.

Thank you everyone

My sister had a baby fairly recently and my mom has been amazing in taking care of him. It just hurts me so deeply when I see their interactions because I know deep down what she is, how she behaves, and what she is capable of. I went to my sister’s house over the weekend to see them and I was angry and nearly had an anxiety fit watching my mom take care of him. Being so gentle, loving, motherly.. I was swallowing tears.

My mother can be so sweet, but at this point in my life there is just absolutely no love for her there. It makes me want to cry when I think that but I can’t help it. It feels so cruel. She can be this amazing person one day then a black hole the next when she drinks. I cannot let go nearly 20 years of toxicity and the damage she has done to me.

I feel so misled seeing her being so motherly to the baby. Like I am wrong for the damage she has done to me. Like I am wrong for my perception of her. Like I am wrong for feeling how i feel. Like I should be ashamed for holding onto these feelings I have for so long. I feel like I can’t grow.

I hope my nephew never has to experience the pain and burden my mother has put on my life. I am so envious of him sometimes to see the care she gives to the baby. I know that was me at one time.