u/onemoredayofsun

TW: eating disorders; domestic violence

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Longtime lurker here.

I’ve lied about having an allergy to gluten for 10 years now, and it’s haunting me. Here’s the story:

10 years ago, I was a college student working at a summer camp. We had little autonomy or ability to leave the camp, so most of the meals we were served were either fast food, pizza or junk.

At the time, I was nearing the height of my struggle with orthorexia. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, for me it meant that I ruminated about food quality and severely restricted what types of food I was eating.

My orthorexia was bad. At the time I enrolled in the camp, I’d eat nothing I didn’t make myself, and it had to be vegan, organic and free from any kind of sugar. I would wake up hours before class to meal prep, spend money I didn’t have on supplements or specialty items, and even miss social functions. Breaking my food rules would lead to weeks of even more severe restriction, and not an hour went by that I wasn’t thinking about how to structure my next plate.

I now know that the eating disorder that ruled my life was a response to experiencing domestic abuse. It wasn’t until I left the relationship six years ago that I could even begin to untangle my relationship with food and control.

Anyway, when I got accepted to be a camp counselor, i worried incessantly about what I would eat. It terrified me to lose control over my body for a summer — so I decided I’d say I had a food allergy. They’d have to accommodate me, right? But I didn’t simply tell HR I had a gluten allergy. I told them I had CELIAC DISEASE.

Not only did I lie the whole summer and fall deeper into orthorexia, I met one of my best friends. Once we got close, I feared being honest with her — because if I told her the truth, I thought I should tell the whole camp, and the shame was insurmountable. So I lied.

10 years later, my best friend and I live long-distance. Any time I visit, she has special snacks. At her wedding, the caterer provided special pasta. She’s always incredibly thoughtful and caring, and she’s ensured I always have gluten-free food to eat.

I feel so ashamed of my lie that I’ve continued it all these years, and I fear that if I tell her, I’ll lose the friendship. After all, shes poured time, money and energy — all incredibly valuable resources — in to ensuring I have gluten-free meals. She is a beautiful person that deserves honesty, and the shame makes me feel alienated from her (if she knew the truth, would she even like me?). I don’t know how to go about it, because it sounds absolutely crazy (turns out, eating disorders will make you do all kinds of weird shit 😵‍💫).

Anyway, I’d like to be honest, but I’m working up the courage and am trying to figure out how to do it best. What would you do?